#so anything connected to that video will be marked as spoilers untill that time passes

[moshieee]

I absolutely adore that the sun is so cheerfully murderous and is clearly easily jealous

I love her so much and I really hope that video allows people to start paying more attention to her

[dornish-queen]

Pedro Pascal: “I already took all my drugs very early. In middle age, a hangover is not an option ”

When he was approaching 40, he resigned himself to having sporadic papers that would allow him to pay the rent. But playing Oberyn Martell in 'Game of Thrones' changed his life and opened the doors of 'Narcos'. Since then it has not stopped. Now he's the villain from the blockbuster 'Wonder Woman 1984'

JUAN SANGUINO

THE ANGELS OCT 2, 2020 - 3:19 PM EDT

The first big opportunity of his career was presented in 2011, when he participated in the pilot episode of Wonder Woman for NBC, but the network discarded the series and Pedro Pascal returned to his main occupation: casting castings to play the criminal of the week in the Law and order of duty. “That cancellation was a disappointment, of course, I wanted to work. I did not care if it was something good or bad, I just wanted to work, "he recalls today from his home in Los Angeles during a virtual conversation with ICON. Now Pascal plays the villain of Wonder Woman 1984 , one of the blockbusters destined to return audiences to movie theaters .

How can you not believe in fate? The boy who broke his arm twice playing Indiana Jones has ended up becoming the favorite hero of the kids (the bounty hunter in The Mandalorian ), his parents (Agent Peña in Narcos ) and, well, everyone's. world (Oberyn Martell, The Red Viper, in Game of Thrones ). When Pedro was little, the good guys were always white and the bad guys were Russian, Arab or Latino. The Wonder Woman 1984 villain , however, is a white billionaire played by a Chilean.

“The film is set in the United States of the eighties, which were marked by capitalist greed. It was a tainted concept of evil.��Stripped of humanity, but still absolutely attractive and alluring. People who dreamed of being rich and successful had to be salivated. It is true that at that time villains in the cinema projected a xenophobic image. Now the white man can finally be the bad guy, ”explains Pascal.

 Some already compare his character, Maxwell Lord, to Donald Trump because of that muck in this mud: Reagan's glorification of rogue moguls in America turned guys like Trump into aspirational role models and glamorous stars. “Trump was not the core of inspiration for my character, on our costume designer's board were Gordon Gekko [Michael Douglas on Wall Street ], American Psycho's Patrick Bateman and other suckers in expensive eighties suits. All those millionaires who hid despair, unbridled ambition and terrified masculinity ”, he clarifies. If Pedro Pascal sounds like a socialist infiltrated in Hollywood it is because that is exactly what he is.

“When Reagan was elected, many people around me were frustrated that the worst forms of capitalism were winning. In my home, with refugee and socialist parents, conservatism was not demonized but it did go against what was important to my family, ”he says. Pascal's father, José Balmaceda, was an Allende supporter doctor who saved the life of a priest wounded by Pinochet's militia .

The priest was later tortured and ended up confessing the name of his savior. When the police went to look for Balmaceda at the hospital where he worked, he took his wife and the newborn Pedro and jumped over the wall of the Venezuelan embassy in Santiago de Chile to request political asylum. That's why Pedro ended up growing up in San Antonio (Texas), in a socialist home but in Reagan's land. A Chilean with no memories of Chile who was called Peter in high school.

At the age of 20, Pascal was in Madrid working as a go-go and keeps good memories. Here she is wearing a Prada sweater. Photo: Danielle DeGrasse-Alston / Realization: Warren Alfie Baker

The Chilean-born but US-raised actor wears a Paul Smith sweater and suit. Photo: Danielle DeGrasse-Alston / Realization: Warren Alfie Baker

Pascal has never left the immigrant mentality behind. Even his father, who came to open a practice in California, always lived in terror that at any moment everything could vanish. “It doesn't matter who you are, how much you are working or how much you get paid. Deep down you always think that each job is the last one ”, confesses the actor. Maybe that's why he didn't dare move from his Red Hook, Brooklyn, hovel to a house more suitable for a Hollywood star until filming for Kingsman 2 and Narcos was over . Nor is it that he had spent more than an entire week at his house since, in 2014, Game of Thrones made him the guy most people would want to party with.

Pascal knew right away that Oberyn Martell, the Westerosi rockstar who always seemed willing to fight or fornicate with the same bravado, was going to change his life. “I had done a lot of castings for friends' plays, for copier factory ads or for very serious independent films that no one was going to see, while I watched how many characters that I had been about to play changed the lives of others. actors. And thanks to my experience and maturity, I recognized the potential of Oberyn. I understood who he was and who he could be ”, he presumes.

The actor found out about the audition when one of his acting students told him that he had taken the test but had been discarded because of his youth. Pedro snapped up and must have thought, “What would Oberyn do?” So he recorded a video on his phone and sent it to his good friend, actress Sarah Paulson . She passed it on to her good friend actress Amanda Peet and this one to her husband, David Benioff, one of the creators of Game of Thrones . The rest is the history of television and headaches: when he informed the Narcos producer that he was available to play Pablo Escobar's pursuing policeman, he accused him of making a spoiler for Game of Thrones: If Pascal had a free agenda, it is because Oberyn was going to lose his fight against La Montaña . He couldn't imagine, of course, in what way.

  Part of that electric, lively and hedonistic energy of Oberyn comes to Pascal from the summer (that of 1996) that he spent in Madrid, where in addition to studying he worked as a go-go in a disco. That stay was transformative because the actor realized that he had had to adapt his identity all his life with each new move, but in Madrid he felt effortlessly at home. “I was 20 years old and I liked it so much that I almost moved. My main language is English, I have an American accent and I can pass for white. But in my house there were many cultural differences with respect to the outside world and I remember that when I was 20 years old, when I came to Madrid, I felt very comfortable in my own skin in a way that I had never felt anywhere else. I guess I was not aware that I had spent my childhood and adolescence learning new ways of adapting, connecting, learning, and pulling. On the contrary, living in Madrid was organic and easy for me. I made friends right away and I felt supported, ”he recalls.

By the time he was 40 Pascal was resigned to being an actor with enough odd jobs to pay the rent. According to him, his aquiline nose was a bad nose by Hollywood standards. Far from being offended or frustrated by this typecasting, he was looking forward to it, if it translated into a new check. “It is very strange to develop a fantasy as a child, to have the opportunity to turn it into a hobby, then some studies and finally transform all that into a career. That is the bet. But my dream of becoming Leonardo DiCapriodied. He died dozens and dozens of times. So to move on he had to accept that, at best, he was going to be an actor with a job. That was already a triumph, "he says. "Also, I accepted that I was not qualified for anything else, I had no more skills: I had put all my time, my energy and my concentration in being an actor and the rest in living life and having fun."

That absence of vanity lives on today, even when he's been involved in large-scale projects for five years without stopping. After Game of ThronesHe has made eight films, of which seven are action blockbusters. The wave of fame came to him when he was no longer expecting it but when he was well prepared to ride it. Still, every workday is a surprise and she acknowledges that what amazes her most about Hollywood is the sheer physical stamina that people have. “Sometimes a project can look like building a city, with all the hours, all the work and all the energy it requires. Some people have better stamina and can get by with little sleep. That is an interesting contradiction: all the people creatively involved in a film have a special sensitivity and at the same time have developed a very tough skin and energy to go through the physical experience of shooting it, ”he admires.

 Then Pascal switches to Spanish (the language he uses to confess intimacies) and explains, in a few words, that he is old for this shit. “I thought I had all the energy in the world and now, in my 40s, I see that ... wow! There are times when I don't know if I will be able to reach the goal, because my energy is not at the necessary level. But I always take it forward ”, he guarantees. Maybe that's why people get so high in Hollywood. Pascal responds between laughter and again in Spanish.

“I already took all my drugs very early. It is something that is already too much in the past, and in middle age a hangover is not an option. No, no, no ”, she assures. What if the other hangover, that of the wave of fame, runs over you? “I was a good waiter. Not at first, because they fired me many times, but I ended up getting the hang of it, ”he jokes. If the Hollywood thing doesn't go well, you can always put drinks again. But for now Pedro Pascal is the personification that the American dream , although sometimes it takes a little longer to materialize, really exists. Even Ronald Reagan would be proud.

source

[sheliesshattered]

This Isn’t A Ghost Story extras for Chapter 8: The Temple

The eighth and final chapter of This Isn’t A Ghost Story has been posted! You can find it here on AO3 and here on Tumblr. Below the cut are extras for this chapter and a few things for the story over all. I’ve had such fun writing this fic, and hope you’ve all enjoyed reading it and following along with the writing process here too!

Like the previous chapter, chapter 8 is named for the location where it takes place, in this case the Mortuary Temple of Hatshepsut, which is near the Valley of the Kings, Thebes, and modern Luxor, on the west bank of the Nile.

As mentioned in both this chapter and previous chapters, several sections of the temple have stars painted on a blue background on the ceilings:

The ‘towering statue’ Clara comments on is one of a line of statues depicting the pharaoh Hatshepsut as the god Osiris, only a few of which are still standing:

Here’s a short video showing both the exterior and interior of the temple from earlier this year.

I came across the Temple of Hatshepsut fairly early in my writing process, when I was looking into what archaeological dig sites were active in the 1910s and 1920s. This photo from the late 1920s shows the continuing work going on in the area (that’s the Temple at the back left), and served as part of the inspiration for Clara’s memory of finding the Doctor at a dig site in Thebes in 1921:

About a month into writing This Isn’t A Ghost Story, I was grappling with the detail of Clara’s wedding ring, based on the poll results you guys gave me. I had been toying with going with an emerald for her ring, since emeralds have some interesting ties to ancient Egypt, but I also really wanted to go the route of a TARDIS-blue sapphire, and in particular a star sapphire really appealed to me, for its look and its symbolism. The results of that little impromptu poll clearly pointed to a star sapphire -- but also suggested I tie it into the world-building somehow.

Those two elements came together in my head rather abruptly when I remembered the star ceiling at the Temple of Hatshepsut, and after digging into the history of Hatshepsut, I realized it worked almost too well. On 28 June this final epilogue chapter sprang into being in basically the form you see it in here, baring a few edits I’ve made to it in the three months (!!) since then.

As the Doctor says in this chapter, the Temple was designed and overseen by Hatshepsut’s head advisor Senenmut, and many modern Egyptologists do in fact believe that the two may have been lovers during Hatshepsut’s time as pharaoh. While there are many stylized statues of Senenmut (including a few of him with Hatshepsut’s daughter, to whom he served as primary tutor), archaeologists have also found ostracons, chips of limestone that ancient artists used as throw-away sketching surfaces, that depict Senenmut in what he more likely looked like in life:

Please tell me I’m not the only one who sees this resemblance: 

And then there’s Hatshepsut herself, who is depicted in numerous different ways throughout art and statuary, sometimes shown as more typically male in her role as pharaoh, but more often shown in what Egyptologists believe she looked like in life -- large eyes, full cheeks, and a small chin:

I mean:

Once my brain made that connection, I really couldn’t let it go.

I had originally planned to end the story with the sequence in the Cairo museum that eventually became chapter 7, but the connection between Clara and the Doctor and the real historical Hatshepsut and Senenmut -- with the added parallel of Senenmut as tutor and guardian of Hatshepsut’s daughter corresponding to the Doctor watching over Margot in Ghost Story, even -- was just too good to pass up. 

Senenmut’s tomb is as the Doctor described it, with the oldest known astronomical ceiling of any tomb or temple in Egypt:

His tomb is very near to the Mortuary Temple of Hatshepsut, and tunnels into the cliffside such that it is extremely close to Hatshepsut’s own tomb, which is entered from the Valley of the Kings, on other side of that mountainous area. This has only further fueled speculation that the two were very much in love -- as pharaoh, Hatshepsut had to have her tomb built in the Valley of the Kings, and as a commoner Senenmut couldn’t be buried there. But they could design their tombs such that they would be as close as possible to each other, even if the entrances are miles apart.

Part of my goal with this final chapter was to give a hint at a larger story that this version of Clara and the Doctor are just a part of. I left the possibility that they had once been Hatshepsut and Senenmut intentionally open-ended, so the reader can make their own decision. They might have been, they might not have been, but in the end what matters is that they are together and in love now. 

Similarly I also wanted to make allusions to both Doctor Who canon -- Senenmut as an ancient astronomer, and Clara’s comments about travelling the stars together in their next life -- as well as the wide variety of fanfiction that exists for this ship. In a way there are thousands of versions of them scattered about out there, finding each other and falling in love over and over again. This Isn’t A Ghost Story doesn’t exist in a vacuum, it’s part of a much larger multi-layered story that is constantly being told and re-told. And in many ways, that’s what I love best about fanfiction versus any other genre of fiction.

The process of writing this story has been so interesting and rewarding, frustrating at times and huge amounts of fun at other points. With this final chapter posted, This Isn’t A Ghost Story is officially the first multi-chapter, non-series fanfic I have ever actually finished, in more than a decade of posting fanfiction online. This is the first time I’ve made myself wait to start posting a story until it’s nearly complete, and I documented more about my process thoughts here on Tumblr than I have for anything I’ve written previously.

It has been a fantastic nearly four month journey, and so much of that is down to the lovely interactions with those of you reading, both here and over on AO3. From the early interest many of you expressed way back at the beginning of June, to the comments and cheerleading on my #process thoughts posts throughout the summer, to all the many wonderful and humbling comments on the story on AO3, I could not have made this journey without you guys. With what a strange, stressful, and often depressing year 2020 has been, I know that when I look back on this year, this is what I’m going to remember the best, taking this journey along with all of you.

And on that note -- do any of you have any questions about Ghost Story? Anything about the writing process or the world building or really anything at all, I am more than happy to answer in as much detail as you like. Feel free to ask here, or on AO3, or use my Tumblr askbox, now or at any point in the future. ❤️

@tounknowndestinations​ had asked about the timeline I worked out for the entire story, that I’ve been keeping under wraps for fear of spoilers. Originally this started as just a way to keep straight how many years had passed -- ‘do I say eighty-six years here, or eighty-seven??’ etc -- but eventually ballooned from there to cover the entire narrative, and even some of the timeline that is only hinted at in places. This is its final form in my working googledoc:

1875: the Doctor is born

1885: the House is built

February 1899: Clara the 1st is born

13 May 1921: the Doctor and Clara the 1st meet in Cairo, she is 22, he is 46

12 May 1923: the Doctor and Clara the 1st marry in Glasgow, she is 24, he is 48

June 1925: Clara and the Doctor return from Egypt

August 1925: purchase of the House

23 Nov 1927: the Doctor dies, age 52

21 August 1928: Margot is born

23 Nov 1928: Clara the 1st dies, age 29

8 April 1956: Ellie is born. Margot is 27

23 Nov 1986: Clara is born. Ellie is 30

1991: at 5 years old, Clara tells Ellie and Margot about the ghost 

September 2000: Ellie dies of cancer, age 44. Clara is not quite 14

January 2010: Dave Oswald dies of a heart attack, age 56. Clara is 23

October 2014: Margot dies, age 86, leaving her house to Clara, who is nearly 28 

16 Nov 2014: Clara has the nightmare that begins to unlock her past life memories

13 May 2021: Clara and the Doctor return to Cairo to mark 100 years since they met, the Doctor is restored to life

18 May 2021: Clara and the Doctor visit the Temple of Hatshepsut, which leads Clara to wonder if perhaps they have met and fallen in love before

Thank you so much to all of you who have followed along during the writing process, to everyone who has reblogged chapter posts here and commented on AO3, and everyone who has cheered me on during the past four months. You have made writing this such a joy, and I cannot wait to share my next project with you. ❤️

[travllingbunny]

The 100: 7x01 From the Ashes

Disclaimer: This post is about the episode of the show The 100, From the Ashes, the season 7 premiere, and only about it.  In this post, I will NOT be discussing any original scripts, unused takes, bloopers, behind the scene photos or videos, scribbled notes exchanged between the writers, or any  tweets, Instagram posts, SMS or e-mails by any of the cast or crew members,  considering the fact that none of those things constitute the  show’s canon, which consists of the actual episodes.

I will also not be discussing anything about the future episodes posted by any ‘spoiler accounts’, and, in fact, I am unaware of most of these things, since I’m trying not to read any spoilers. Please do not tell me any spoilers for future episodes or ask me about them.

I really enjoyed this episode, in spite of the unfortunate lack of Bellamy (which I was already expecting since what happens to him here was already spoiled by the trailer. Of course, I’m looking forward to see Bellamy again, and, before that, to everyone finding out about disappearance and it becoming the focus of the season. But until then, the show has quite a few other storylines to deal with, from setting up and delving more into the Anomaly mystery, to dealing with the fall-out of season 6 in Sanctum, and both of these were handled well, for the most part.

This episode in particular had really good characterizations all around - for Murphy, Echo, Indra, Madi, Raven, Emori, Gaia, even Jackson - and, of course, Clarke, who had an arc that took her tendency to try to repress her feelings to an extreme, until they exploded in a most memorable way. It will cause her trouble, no doubt, but it was great to watch, and something I had been wishing for for quite some time. 

There is just one character whose storyline I’m still not sure how I feel about, because I’m not sure what the show is doing with him. 

After the last season’s cliffhanger, there was some concern in the fandom that Bellamy would regress to being all about protecting his sister, after their relationship had been redefined with “You’re my sister, but you’re not my responsibility”. Some of that was really exaggerated: there’s absolutely nothing odd or surprising about Bellamy crying over his sister disappearing in his arms. Of course he loves her and wants her safe. But I was concerned they may regress his development if they make him forget about everyone and everything else in his life in order to impulsively jump after her into the Anomaly. However, that did not happen - Bellamy didn’t decide to go on his own, rather than tell others and make a plan. He was taken.

The mysterious people from the Anomaly seem to be able to control the Anomaly, and have some sort of a cloaking device, presumably connected to their suits and helmets, that makes them invisible to others. They also have some sort of a screen inside their helmets, with facial recognition of targets and commands. It’s all a bit creepy - these seem to be humans, but they are receiving orders the way a robot would. (It’s all very Terminator-like!) Maybe because they also have lost their memories while going through the Anomaly? Where did they get the info about who Bellamy, Gabriel and Echo are - was it from Octavia’s memories? 

Memories and memory loss are obviously going to play a huge role this season. People who come from the Anomaly to Sanctum seem to lose their memories, except when the Anomaly is still there. Does this happen only on Sanctum, or at the other side(s) as well? How does the fact that the Anomaly sucks in radio signals fit into that? Hope had to use a message she put into her own arm to remind herself to “TRUST BELLAMY”. (Interstellar is mentioned a lot as an inspiration for this season, but this reminds me of another Nolan film, Memento.)

We also see Clarke spout knowledge about how the big mansion was built (by Russell for Simone, to remind her of her house on Earth), which she would know due to still having some of Josephine’s memories. And I’m sure that the fact Madi still has the memories of past Commanders will play a big role - specifically, the fact she has Becca’s memories, which could be the way to tie the present day story to the prequel/story about what happened during and right after the apocalypse. (She also probably knows about Sheidheda more than anyone else alive, which may play into the Sanctum story.) 

It’s too early to judge Hope as a character, but the mystery surrounding her is certainly super interesting. Why do the mysterious people from the Anomaly have orders to kill her on sight (as opposed to capturing, which they were supposed to do with Bellamy, Echo and Gabriel)? Is it because of who she is, or what she is - is it about her actions, does she know too much, or is her existence itself that’s the problem? 

I loved the Octavia cameo in Hope’s hallucination, with the confirmation that she was an “aunt” figure to her, a part of a found family with Diyoza and Hope. The Anomaly makes you see your biggest desire or biggest fear - and Hope’s biggest desire seems to be to be reunited with her family 

Echo’s hallucination, on the other hand, is obviously about her biggest fear - so it makes perfect sense that it’s Roan who appears to her, as he exiled her from Azgeda. Of course biggest fear would be losing her kru and her king/queen and being left alone and adrift. I’m as surprised as anyone that I found Echo's scene to be maybe the best in the episode. But she did have some really good character moments in seasons 6, and this is IMO her best character moment so far, picking up from her red sun hallucination in 6x02, and flashback from 6x11. which revealed that even her identity as “Echo” is fake. It seems the show is finally doing the character development it neglected to give her in season 5, and addressing all the obvious issues with Echo’s development and her relationship with Bellamy. I think this confirms that it was indeed Echo talking to herself while hallucinating Emori in 6x02, since her hallucination of Roan tells her the same thing, that she is still just a killer following another master’s orders. We finally see Echo feeling guilt over the things she did in the past, including her betrayal of Bellamy in season 3. When she imagines him calling her out on betraying “the man she now claims to love”, is it just about her thinking the others would doubt her love, or is she herself questioning whether her feelings for Bellamy are really romantic love, or just loyalty to her current leader? Their relationship, especially in S6, often came off more as the latter.

 (It was also really cool to see Zach McGowan again) 

The timeline of 7x01 seems to have confused some fans, but I think it’s pretty obvious that, at the beginning of the Sanctum story, no more than a day (probably less than that) has passed since 6x13 - going by the facts that 1) the Anomaly storyline picked up minutes after the end of 6x13, and the Sanctum story was presumably happening at the same time, and 2) Indra had to explain the situation in Sanctum to everyone. The only thing that seems to go against that is that Russell is said to “not have slept” since what happened on the ship, which makes it seem like it’s been longer. Or maybe Russell was just being extra dramatic. “Oh, I have no slept for a whole day!” He certainly spent a lot of this (his last) episode feeling sorry for himself. At least he seemed to have finally realized he wasn’t the superior good guy in all of it (”Tell them I’m treated better than I deserve” - yes, indeed.)

Indra was great, even though poor Adina was forced to be an exposition machine for a part of the episode. 

A common complaint I’ve seen among fans is that it’s weird that Clarke and others in Sanctum aren’t worried about Bellamy and co. I don’t understand this complaint, as it’s clear that very little time has passed and that Bellamy, Octavia, Echo and Gabriel must have told everyone they were leaving and why (though I don’t know how many details they told them about the Anomaly Stone). People have been gone for a whole day in season 6 when they just went to the Offering Grove (Echo in 6x06) or the radioactive shield (Raven, Emori and Echo in 6x05), which are within the confines of Sanctum and much nearer than the camp by the Anomaly. What are they supposed to do but wait for a couple of days for them to come back? It’s not like they can call them, when radios and other means of communication usually don’t work on Alpha because of the Anomaly sucking the signals.

In fact, their absence was mentioned in the picnic scene, when Raven toasted to “absent friends” and we got a reaction shot of Clarke (I know, Clarke, I'd be annoyed too if I was you, but Bellamy had to be all "I'm gonna go now and explore the Anomaly Stone while Sanctum is in chaos and you're in mourning for your mom" because the plot needed him to..., before Niylah toasted to the “departed ones” (which would include Kane and Abby) and we got a close-up reaction shot of Clarke trying to keep it all inside, as she did every time in this episode someone mentioned Abby. 

The idyllic picnic by the mansion - everyone’s attempt to get some rest and nice time after everything they had been through - was such a contrast to the “powder keg” of Sanctum and the end of this episode. But it also felt fake - just as fake as the deception and lies that Murphy and Emori are Daniel and Kaylee Prime, or that Madi still has the Flame in her head - to keep the devout and Wonkru under control, respectively - and just as fake as Clarke’s attempts to convince everyone she’s “fine”. As usual, the song playing in the background (”Darkness” by Pinegrove) was very fitting:

Suddenly I find I've got darkness on my mind It's a question mark that keeps me looking And it's never satisfied And it's never what I thought Saying I'm happy when I'm not No, I got darkness on my mind Leaning out the frame When it's particulate and gray I'm perpendicular to my whole being When I lean a certain way Saying I'm happy when I'm not Finding roaches in the pot Oh, I got darkness on my mind Some people spend their whole lives looking For someone who could understand While meanwhile a lilac blooming Sometimes on the driest land And I know it's been a long time coming I'm angry and I know that's weak And I'm longing out that open window For whatever it is I seek [musical breakdown] Some people spend their whole lives looking For someone who could understand And while meanwhile a lilac blooming Sometimes on the driest land And I know it's been a long time coming I'm angry and I know that's weak So I'm trying not to be so bitter I'm just looking at it honestly Well, I know it's been a long time coming I'm angry and I know that's weak And I'm longing out that open window For whatever it is I seek Some people spend their whole lives looking For someone who could understand While meanwhile a lilac blooming Sometimes on the driest land, yeah 

I like that there was anger, blame and conflict between our kru and that everyone didn’t just forget what happened last season (and for once, Clarke is not the one getting the blame!) It would've made no sense if no one was blaming Murphy, and it makes sense it would be Jackson, who was so close to Abby and who’s not particularly close to Murphy. It also makes sense there was disagreement about the method of keeping peace in Sanctum, and that not everyone would be happy with Memori cosplaying the Primes. 

Murphy himself had a really good characterization in this episode - we saw his grief and his feelings of guilt. While he tried to defend himself when blamed that he didn’t know what Russell would do, when left alone, he blamed himself for various actions that led to it, which is something Murphy from a couple of seasons ago wouldn’t do.

It’s great to see Raven looking more like her old, pre-season 6 self, and even better to see that her self-righteousness has gone. She’s more like the old Raven but without the snarky b1tchiness. I’m glad that she got called out by Murphy on her “Miss Morality” role from last season (which never really made sense, pre-time jump Raven was never a moral compass of the group, she was smart, pragmatic and could be as ruthless as anyone).

Another major theme of the Sanctum plot were the new beginnings.  Clarke pointing out season 3 feels like another world seems almost like the show going meta and pointing out to the audience how much Clarke and all these people have lived through and been since.What is Sanctum now after the Primes have been defeated, with Children of Gabriel coming back home and clashing with the Devout - brainwashed and loyal followers of the Primes, with the rest of the Sanctumites in between? How are Wonkru and the 36 Eligius prisoners going to start again on a new planet moon? (36?! Wow, so they really suffered heavy losses in that gorge, too, when there are so few left?) Can Grounders be without a Commander? Gaia without her religion? Can Madi be a normal kid, without the Flame - or is that even possible while she has to pretend to still be Heda? The title From the ashes seems to refer to that - and maybe the end of the episode means that you have to burn down the old beliefs and old idols to build something new? 

Mothers and daughters were another theme.  I liked that Madi mentioned her biological parents (well, mother) on-screen for the first time, since the fandom tends to forget about them and ignore them too often. Madi was unsuccessful in her attempt to make Clarke share her feelings with her - maybe because this conversation showed a big difference in how they see each other? Clarke thinks of Madi as her child, but Clarke has never had a child before, while Madi had parents and suffered their loss; Clarke assumed Madi was talking about her and what happened in S6, but Madi always calls Clarke “Clarke” rather than “Mom”, and tried to connect to her on the equal level, as another daughter who’s lost a mother. Maybe it’s exactly because Clarke sees Madi only as her child that she feels she must be “strong” for her all the time and not show grief. 

There was an unexpected parallel between Indra and Clarke in how Indra also tried to suppress outward expressions of grief when her partner - Gaia’s father died, which clearly wasn’t healthy and caused a rift between mother and daughter. (I’m not sure about when that happened, i.e. when Gaia first decided to become a Flamekeeper. I guess it must have been before the timeline of seasons 1-3. So Gaia’s dad is probably not the man that Indra recognized in 2x15 as one of the Reapers? I’m still angry that we never got any resolution to that storyline and that the Reapers were forgotten after season 2.)

 The one thing I’m not sure about is Jordan’s characterization and arc. I’m not sure what the show is doing with his exactly, and I’m afraid that they’ll try to leave it ambiguous just how much he is or isn’t brainwashed. 6x13 made it very clear that he has been “adjusted”, which Russell confirmed here, and Jordan’s “adjustor”, who was creeping behind him in the season 6 finale, was very present and active in this episode, and clearly still had a big influence on him. At the same time, we learn that Jordan does not believe in the divinity of the Primes - instead of that, his hallucinations made him see something connected to the mystery of the Anomaly, which Russell describes as something “greater” (almost like he has finally found God, of sorts, after all, which he talked about 236 years before when he first landed on Alpha)? The good news is that it means Jordan will have a role in the Anomaly story, rather than being the advocate for the Devout. What I’m afraid of is that the show will gloss over the fact that Jordan was brainwashed - whether or not he came to believe that Primes were gods, he certainly did a 180 from despising Primes as murderers, being outraged by their actions and knowing very well that Priya was not Delilah but someone who took over her body; to (just a few days later, after “adjustment”) spouting Prime propaganda about the “peaceful” society they had before the Bad People from Earth came (that’s the peace they had when they regularly murdered their people to steal their bodies, left babies to die, and made them go crazy and kill each other from time to time) and having some kind of attachment to Priya herself and her mind drive.

At least, I hope that Russell unceremoniously smashing the mind drive means we’re done with that storyline. I loved it, it was my favorite storyline of the show, but it’s time for it to be over. It makes no sense that anyone is still letting Russell keep his mind drive, for starters. When will they realize they need to destroy these things?

- Clarke’s way of dealing with grief over her mom’s death was certainly unhealthy - repressing her feelings even more than usual, trying to be calm, composed, logical, to do the things needed to keep peace. In her last scene in 6x13, Clarke was open about her grief with Bellamy, looking to him for comfort, finding comfort in his arms and his words. But now he’s absent, there’s no one else she can be that open and vulnerable with. (The only other person Clarke looked for comfort to was Abby.) It’s nice to see that she and Raven have mended their friendship with Raven, she is starting to develop a new one with Gaia over their mutual care for Madi, she has mutual respect with Indra, she’s known others - like Murphy or Miller = for years, since the Delinquent days... and they all want to help her, but she’s not opening up to anyone, not even Madi. She thinks she must be “strong” for all of them, and her Head and Heart are unbalanced - she’s repressing the latter, until she finally explodes. 

I love the scene of Clarke finally losing it and beating up Russell (I had already seen it in the trailer, and it was my favorite moment) and then crying while holding Abby's clothes. I don’t know about anyone else, but I love seeing an angry, emotional Clarke, letting it all out, especially when it's anger at people she has every right to be furious at. We haven’t seen that from her since early season 3 (when she yelled and spat in Lexa’s face over her betrayal). It had bothered me for a few seasons that Clarke - who used to be vibrant and could be impulsive, angry, hold grudges, yell at people in seasons 1-2, had become so repressed and muted due to her constant self-blame. I’ve had enough watching Clarke look sad while other people keep yelling at her and blaming her. (The only other instance of Clarke being furious was her hurt and rage at Bellamy and the slap in 5x09, but that was more of a silent, “internally screaming” rage/hurt, which turned into Clarke being emotionally frozen for the next couple of episodes, until learning he was alive. When Clarke is keeping everything inside and not yelling, that’s when she’s in the worst emotional state.)

It is, however, so sad that she still blames herself, too, for her mother’s death, whispering “I’m sorry”, the same way she whispered after seeing her father floated.

My only problem with the scene of that stupid palace burning down is that  "mistakes" is a serious real understatement for what Russell has done. I know, I know, this will cause a lot of trouble in Sanctum and Clarke will probably have to go back on some of these decisions to keep peace. But there’s really nothing morally wrong with deciding to execute Russell - not only does he deserve it, but he’s arguably even an exception from the general objection to death penalty, since he’s lived several times the normal human lifespan, by stealing other people’s bodies. And the palace burning down is a symbolic way to send the message that the old power structures are gone - which Clarke pointed out when she said there will be no kings or queens anymore.

Sheiheda taking over Russell’s, or rather his latest host’s body, wasn’t surprising, as that was the most popular theory. But it was cool to see Sheidheda’s creepy mindspace again and Sean Maguire as the original Russell. The bodysnatcher got bodysnatched. That’s something like poetic justice.

I just have to post this because it’s such a beautiful shot!

Rating: 8/10

[mysticthot]

RFA Soulmate AU

spoilers for v and ray’s routes

Yoosung- Whatever you draw on your skin, your soulmate can see

He learned about soulmates when he was a little kid

Loved the idea that there was a person made perfectly for him

Didn’t try to really contact you until he got into his teen years

He was nervous to try and draw something, he didn’t know what to say, but he didn’t want you to think he was lame if he just said hi or something

You and him had shared drawings before, but just little things like a homework page or a doodle of a flower

He didn’t know why you had never tried to talk to him before, but he couldn’t really say anything cause he hadn’t tried either

Maybe you were shy like him

His first word from you comes when he’s least expecting it

He’s in high school, hella focused on a test, then he feels a weird sensation on his arm

He looks down, and he’s unfamiliar, yet somehow comforting handwriting 

“Hello...? I’m MC <3

Boi is shook

Then he is immediately called out by the teacher who thinks he’s cheating and writing answers on his arm

That whole ordeal takes over his focus, so he isn’t able to respond to you until after class

“Hi, I’m Yoosung!”

After that, you guys are constantly talking

You tell each other about your day, and the places you live, or even draw little things to make the other laugh or blush

He’s so excited to graduate and go to college, but you’re a year behind him, so you wont be able to join him at University right away

He promises that he’s fine waiting one more year, he doesn’t want you to have to move on your final year of high school

Then Rika dies

And he’s a mess

You see him change through his writing

He writes less, and it’s almost always about Rika when he does

You want to go visit him, but he insists he’s ok

You were the only one who seemed to understand him, he didn’t know if he would have been able to make it without you

When he gets into gaming and starts slacking off a lot, he’s worried you’ll think he’s a loser and you wont want to be with him anymore

“Yoosung, you’re literally my soulmate I don’t care what you do as long as you’re happy!”

Definitely cries

When you graduate, he is so excited

All the RFA members know all about you cause you’re all he talks about the months leading up to your move

He waits at the airport for your plane practically vibrating with nerves and excitement

“OMG Zen what if she thinks I’m too short, or not manly enough, or she doesn’t like my hair, or-”

“Yoosung, I’m in the middle of a rehearsal, stop calling me!”

You spend the whole plane ride drawing intricate designs all over your arm so you will be able to find him in a crowd easier

Your plane lands, and you walk out, trying to find someone that meets his description

You see him before he sees you

He’s standing there, holding flowers, looking so nervous

You have the biggest smile on your face as you run over to him and his eyes finally meet yours and-

Oh no, he’s crying

He break down in tears running into your arms, sweeping you off your feet

“Oh MC I’m so happy to see you I’ve waited my whole life for this moment you are everything I ever hoped you would be!” 

“I love you Yoosung.”

“I love you too.”

You give him his first kiss and its perfect

He’s never been so happy

Until he logs onto the group chat and finds Saeyoung had hacked the CCTV and showed everyone how he immediately cried when he saw you

Not so happy anymore

Zen- Have each others first word tattooed (has to be spoken directly to them)

Zen had always found his soulmate tattoo rather funny

On his wrist, his soulmates first word were delicately written in a beautiful cursive

People always admired it, until they looked closer and saw what it actually said

“Oh fuck- Shit oh no I fucked it up!”

As a child, parents and teachers did not appreciate when he showed the vulgar words around to the other kids

It was like a badge of honor when he was younger

Kids thought he was cool purely based on the curse words on his wrist

As he got older, it lost its novelty and became just like any normal tattoo for him

Though, it was still funny to see people’s faces when they first saw it

He was sure he would meet his soulmate when he was in the biker gang

The girls he hung around with then were tough and cursed frequently, but it never happened

He had gone out with a few girls, but it never felt right, and he knew it was cause they weren’t the one for him

When he got his act together and started doing musicals, he thought maybe you would be a coworker, cursing after messing up a line, but he had still yet to find you

The hopeless romantic binch he is, he is constantly complains about his lack of soulmate to the RFA

But none of them found theirs either, so they can all kinda relate

He is always thinking of you, so of course you would show up in his life the only time he wasn't

It was during the opening night of a production he was in

He was the lead, of course, and this was one of the rare moments you weren’t the main thing on his mind

You were sat in the crowd, near the stage with a few friends

You had a friend in the play, and she had gotten you good tickets, so you brought flowers and stuff to show your support

The lights dimmed, and the most gorgeous man you had ever seen in your life walked out onto the stage

You swear he must have been a statue or something

The play began, and he delivered his lines perfectly

You were supposed to be there supporting your friend, but you’re pretty sure your eyes hadn’t left him all night

It was near the end of the production, when he turned to the crowd with a flourish, his eyes suddenly meeting yours as he spoke his next line:

“Could this be love?”

His eyes stayed glued to yours for a second to long, before he unfroze, and continued his monologue

You were shook, looking down at your tattoo with wide eyes

His words were on your wrist, and as you read over them, it was like his voice spoke to you all over again

You couldn’t wait for the play to be over

You sat through the rest of it trying to figure out the perfect first line to say to him

His was so romantic and beautiful, you didn't want to screw this up!

As soon as the curtain fell, you hopped up, shouting to your friends that you were going to the bathroom, before running off towards back stage

You really didn’t know where you were going, but you followed down some halls following the faint sound of the cast members voices when you turned a corner and ran full speed into someone

Stumbling backwards, you looked up and saw the guy from the play, your soulmate

Your mind went blank, you scrambled for something to say before

“Oh fuck- Shit oh no I fucked it up!”

You gasped, realizing what had just come out of your mouth, before looking down at his arm and seeing those exact words tattooed on him

“Oh...my...god.”

Wide eyed and mouth open, you stared at him

He looked right back with a smile that made you wanna pass out

“I am so sorry. You had that tattooed all your life?”

“Don’t worry about it, I wouldn’t want anything else.”

He took your hands in his, and you could see nothing but love and happiness in his eyes

“I’m so fucking happy to finally meet you.”

Jaehee- You have a mark where your soulmate will touch you the first time

Most people had their marks on their hands

The hand print of their soulmate forever on their palm, signifying they would one day shake their hand, those were the most common

Some people had their marks in more random places, maybe they would run into them in a crowd, or be passing by one day in the street

Jaehee, how ever, had two hand prints forever marked on her back

There were two possibilities, either she would be pushed by her soulmate or hugged

While she hopped it was the latter, either of the meetings seemed rather forward, especially for a conservative girl like her

Who would be hugging (or, hopefully not, pushing) her at their for their very first meeting?

While thoughts of her soulmate one day showing up in her life occupied her mind for most of her younger years, she didn’t really have much time to think about romance these days

Her work and home life was plagued by corporate heirs, cats, and the RFA, leaving very little room for much else

There were nights when she would be changing, or just getting out of the shower, and she would catch sight of the marks in the mirror

It would fill her with a sadness and a loneliness that not even Zens videos could cure

She was only an assistant, she felt she had no one in her life that truly understood her

That is, until you came along

She was suspicious when you had first entered the chatroom, but over time she learned more about you

You understood her like no one else ever had before

You cared for her well being and stood up for her when she was being over worked

For the first time, she felt she was actually cared for 

She could not wait to meet you at the party 

The day of the party, she woke up to a tingle in her back that didn’t go away 

As party grew nearer, the tingles only got worse, and Jaehee began to get more and more nervous

Time seemed to slow down as a you walked through the crowd towards her

She had never seen your face, yet she knew you must have been the MC from the chat room

A smiled took over your features as you opened your arms and swept her up in to a tight hug 

She could feel as your fingers fell right into place of her marks, and her hands came to rest over yours

Her eyes were wide, and misty behind her glasses, before she let out a breath, and completely wrapped herself into you

For the first time in her life, she felt complete

“Thank you.” she cried into your shoulder.

Jumin- Red strings connecting soulmates(obvi lol)

Jumin grew up in a loveless house

His fathers soulmate had died before he ever met them, so Jumin grew up watching him try and fill that void with other women

That didn’t exactly give him a lot of hope for his future

With no one to compare it to, or even ask, Jumin was pretty clueless about the red string on his finger

All he knew was somewhere his soulmate was on the other end

As he got older any small amount of interest he may have had in his soulmate disappeared

The people in his life didn’t really care for soulmates, that was more of a commoner thing

People married for convenience or to help their image, rarely for love

There were women throwing themselves at him daily, but he was known for being untouchable (does jumin han is gay?)

People thought he was waiting for his soulmate, but he truly just didn't care

He met you for the first time at a Gala event in (your country)

It had taken him a while to notice, as he went out of his way to ignore the string, but he looked up and saw the end of his string for the first time in his life

It was connected to you, a waitress that was catering the event, standing across the room

His heart seemed to jump for a moment, and he turned around, not really knowing what to do

It hadn’t seemed like you’d noticed him yet, you were working hard to balance a tray of champagne as you wove through the crowd

He watched you walk around for a few minutes, you politely smiled at guests and passed drinks

He was internally arguing with whether or not to go talk to you, when you were stopped by a hand on your shoulder 

His mood immediately dropped as he saw the hand belonged to none other than his father, who was clearly flirting with you

He never could resist a pretty face, no matter who it was

Jumin turned and left, calling Driver Kim to take him back to his hotel

With every step away from the building, he felt a tug in his chest like something was wrong, but he pressed on

Soulmates were nothing but a useless fantasy, something people use to comfort themselves into believing they weren’t alone in this world

The last thing he needed in his life was another disappointing woman

He didn’t think much about his soulmate for two years

Then you showed up in the chatroom, and you treated him like no one else had

You laughed at his jokes and asked about Elizabeth the 3rd

You didn’t ask or expect anything from him, you said you liked to talk to him, and he realized he liked to talk to you too

When the hacker was becoming a threat, he refused to let you stay alone and unguarded, and insisted for your safety and his sanity, that you come to the penthouse

He hadn’t thought of his soulmate in years, but now he wanted to hope it was you, that he was getting a second chance to meet you

His string often lead out the front door of his penthouse, but now, as he sat their waiting for you, he hoped for the first time that when those doors opened, he would see the other end and get back the chance he missed

As you stepped out of the car you couldn’t hold back your smile, your string was headed right into that building

You knocked on the door, and his voice immediately called for you to come in

Your string was going right into his penthouse

Heart pounding, your opened the door, and on the other side stood Jumin

His heart soared when he saw you, and it nearly stopped when he saw the end of his string connecting him to you

He had never smiled so hard, tears were collecting in his eyes

He couldn’t believe it was really you

The red string faded away as your hand came to grip his, and he felt all of his strings become untangled

He cant believe he wasted years being without this feeling, without you, all because of his own fears

“MC, I love you. I promise I will for the rest of my days, I will cherish you always.”

“I love you too Jumin.”

He had missed out on you once, he wasn’t gonna let you get away again

(extra-)

“wow jumin u know i used to work for a catering company that did all kinds of fancy gigs, i cant believe i never met u there!”

“uh... about that....”

Seven- Soulmates can feel each others feelings

It was like a constant hum in the back of your mind...well, if that hum came with a particular feeling

Your soulmates feelings weren’t exactly the same as your own, but they were felt as though they were

As a child, you didn’t quite understand why you were sad all the time...cause you weren't sad, you just felt sad

Your parents knew your soulmate must not have the best life, but they couldn’t exactly explain that to a 7 year old

As you grew up and learned more about soulmates, you began to understand

When they felt sad, you did

When they felt scared, you did

When they felt hopeless, you did too

So you made it your goal to be as happy as you could, as some way to possibly comfort your soulmate

You always tried to see the bright side of things and be positive

You didn’t want to add any extra sadness to whatever your soulmate was already feeling

And your soulmate was grateful for that...or at least you felt like he was

As time passed, you soulmates feelings changed

He was still sad, but it was a different kind

Like he was sad, but he was ok with being sad

It was both more and less intense for you to feel

When you joined the RFA, you immediately felt a pull to the mysterious 707

His personality seemed to familiar to you, it was like you had already known him

Meanwhile, Saeyoung was feeling the same thing

You had a bright feeling to you that made him feel like he was in a warm comfortable place

This feeling was something he often retreated into during his childhood

He would feel that happiness in the back of his mind and relish it like it was his own, and it made him feel good

He had a feeling you might be his soulmate, and that’s why he was so hesitant to go to the apartment

On one hand, as soon as you were beginning to be in danger, every part of him screamed for him to go to you

On the other, he knew if he went and you were his soulmate, he wouldn’t be able to keep himself from you

He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if something happened to you because of him

Despite this, he ended up going over, and as soon as his eyes met yours, he knew

And you knew too

It was like meeting someone you knew a long time ago, they were familiar, yet you weren’t sure who they were exactly

You hugged him immediately, and he was so stiff in your arms

He wanted nothing but to melt into that warmth, for the first time in his life, that happiness that kept him going was right in front of him

But he held back, and he was so cold to you

He set up his things in the corner and tried to block out how confused and hurt you felt

You didn’t know why he was acting like this, but you felt his sadness, his loneliness

So you did what you had always done, and you loved him for who he was, and you enveloped him in a warmth so deep he couldn’t hold himself back

“I don’t understand MC, why don’t you get that I’m not good for you?! I’ve done nothing but bring you sadness your whole life, I’m putting you in danger just by being here! Why can’t you let me be?”

“I love you Seven. I’ll love you when you’re sad, and when you’re happy, and everything in between. I’m always going to be here for you whether you want me or not!”

He cried into your shoulder, holding you close

He’d never felt that kind of security before

You were doing you’re best for him, so he resolved to do his best for you

V- You see color for the first time when you make eye contact with your soulmate

Being a photographer who couldn’t see colors was not an easy job

V would take pictures, then put a grey filter over what was already grey for him so it looked the same to everyone, soulmate or not

He wanted to badly to fall in love, to feel complete and be loved in return

He had almost found that in Rika

The feelings were there, they were both sure they were in love, but both of them continued to see in black and white

It wasn’t an uncommon thing for people who weren’t soulmates to date

People often did until they were ready to settle down, and some unlucky few never found their soulmates, so they made what love they could

V tried to be happy with this kind of love, he tried to love her in a way that would make them both feel like they could see the colors

But Rika was unhappy, and didn’t believe he really loved her, after all, if he did he would be able to tell her what color her eyes were

When she faked her death and ran off, he felt he deserved what she did to his eyes, he couldn’t love her enough to see colors, so he didn’t deserve to see at all

He was content keeping these secrets and protecting Rika

Then you showed up, claiming to be sent by her

It didn’t take long for him to find you, being tricked by Rika and Ray to believe everything was just a game

He saw you in the gardens one night with Ray, and for a split second, he thought he saw the color of your hair, but he blinked and it was gone

He knew he needed to rescue you before you got hurt, the last thing he wanted was and innocent person getting dragged into this because of him

When he tried to rescue you the first time, he was thrown off when you turned around and your eyes were a magnificent (e/c) 

Then suddenly everything had color, and you were staring at him and he was staring at you and Ray was yelling that there was an intruder and guards were coming

He had to leave before he was captured, but as he escaped, all he could think about was the color of your eyes

This was not part of the plan, but it made everything a thousand times more complicated

Neither of you mentioned it in the chatrooms, but he promised he would be back to save you, and you knew you could trust him

When Rika brought you out to the gardens, she explained how V had tried to force a love that wasn’t there

You wanted to shout at her, he was never meant to be hers!

But you held yourself back, she was using you as bait and suddenly V was captured and being dragged away

When Seven saved him, all you could do was stare at him as he lay in you lap

He was mumbling your name and asking if you were safe, drugged out of his mind, but still worrying for you

When he began to regain his senses as the drug wore off, he felt terrible

He had endangered you, he had not only hurt Rika, but he had almost hurt you because of it

He realized what he had done was wrong, he didn’t know how to love

But when he was with you, everything that had been difficult with Rika, was so easy

Loving you was like second nature to him, he knew you were truly meant for him

You taught him how to love, and his world was metaphorically and literally brighter

He could paint and take pictures and see all the beauty in the world, because you loved him effortlessly

Saeran- Soulmates can meet each other in their dreams

Saeran did not know what soulmates were for a very long time

His mother didn’t teach tell them about any of those things, and he never got to leave the house, so he didn’t know until one day when Saeyoung  explained it to him

It was the middle of the night, they were together under a blanket looking at a book Saeyoung had brought home

“I learned something new today. There was a book in the church about soulmates. Apparently we all have them and if we go to sleep and think about them, we get to meet them in our dreams!”

Saeran was so excited to try it, that it took him hours to finally fall asleep

But when he did, he was suddenly in a field

There were wild flowers in the long grass, and a warm sunny feeling Saeran had never experienced before

Then there was a voice

“Finally! I’ve been waiting for you for so long!”

He turned around and there was a little girl with a wide smile running towards him through the grass

She stopped in front of him, she looked about his age

He was nervous, Saeyoung hadn’t told him what to say, and he had never talked to a girl besides him mother before

“I’m MC, I’m your soulmate!”

You hugged him, and it felt so nice, no one except his brother had ever done that 

You were so nice to him, he never wanted to wake up

His dreams became his way to get away from reality

When Saeyoung would leave to go on errands and his mom was drunk, he would go to sleep and meet you

Even if you weren’t there, the field with the flowers was so nice and warm, it became his favorite place

You taught him the names of the flowers there, and told him about things you learned in school

You became the best thing in his life

Until his mom found out

She woke him from one of these naps once, screaming at him for falling for the lie that was soulmates

She told him you weren't real, you were just a made up lie meant to trick and hurt him

He didn’t want to believe her, but her but he was rarely allowed to sleep now, and Saeyoung had suddenly disappeared

After the loss of his brother and being taken in by Rika, things were better 

Rika took him to paradise and gave him a purpose

He knew she would never lie to him like his brother had, so he listened when she told him to never try to dream of you

She said soulmates weren’t real, and the girl in his dreams was just trying to trick him like his brother

You were sad when your soulmate had stopped coming to the field

You didn’t understand why, he had been perfectly fine one day, then gone forever the next

You spent a majority of your childhood and teen years thinking you had somehow messed up, but you learned to live with it and accept that maybe you would one day meet him, but not now

When you got a message asking you to test a game, you felt compelled to trust the person, so against your better judgement, you willingly went

Meeting Ray gave you such a feeling of nostalgia, the way he acted, the way he talked about flowers and ice cream

It all felt so familiar

You went back to the field every night, on the off chance that he would be there, but it was empty time after time

Ray was confused

He liked you so much, you made him really happy so deep down in his heart

But Rika had said soulmates weren’t real, the girl in his dreams was just part of his imagination

He hadn’t had a desire to go to the field since he was a kid, but now that you had shown up, every time he slept, he felt a pull trying to take him there

Ray was confused and curious as to what this meant

But Searan was angry

When he took over, he didn’t like how you made him feel

That idiot Ray was always blushing over you, and his thought blended into Searans sometimes

He wanted to be mad at you

You reminded him of a lie, something his brother had tricked him into believing

But towards the final day, he was no longer able to fight off the pull, and he fell asleep and found himself in the field

It was just like it was all those years ago, the same warmness and flowers and long grass

The only difference was you, all grown up, sitting in the sunlight

You still waited for him after all those years

After everything he put you through, you still came every night hoping to see...him?

He didn’t understand

He had been horrible to you but you still wanted to see him

He woke up the next day and he was no longer those two personalities, but one that was finally ready to love you the way you loved him all that time

“MC...you opened my eyes.. you’re the only one who has stayed with me all this time.”

“I love you Saeran, I’ll always stay with you.”

[chaniters]

ORIGIN

Wrote a small fic. from Herald’s point of View. I’m trying to get into his mind as a character.

Warning, spoilers.

-----------------------------------------------------

ORIGIN

2032. July 4th.

Everyone celebrates a day like this. 

Meanwhile, you drink alone. They tried to convince you to take part this year as well. It's been 9 years they say. You still can’t. 

There is a magazine that's a few months old over the counter. You peek... and of course, it's you "Herald defeats Medusa and Tanathos." The cover is the picture of you standing over Thanatos's fallen armor. Of course, they had to photoshop Medusa lying down there as well. As if it were that easy.

They believe you can do everything these days. As the years' pass, your strength has increased, as has your resilience and your flight speed. Powers grow stronger as you get older. But you don't care about power. 

You order another round of whiskey. There are memories you need to drown. Specially on a day a like this.

You drink. But you still remember.

You remember your father and your mother. Arguing. Screaming. Crying. Tearing each other apart. While you and your brother watched TV, pretending not to listen. Watching the Rangers, getting their man.

Sidestep and Charge, the formidable duo. Fighting against evil. Your brother Mark liked Charge. You were a die-hard fan of Sidestep. And playing together, pretending to be your heroes, helped you survive. As your family was torn apart.

You remember when your mom took you both to San Benito's, your favorite pizza place. She wore so much makeup, trying to hide the black eye your father gave her. You remember being afraid to ask her about it. 

She took you there to escape from him. To protect you two before he hit you again. 

And then the extraordinary happened... the Candyman appeared... put the building next to you on fire.  Elyise and Sidestep fought him... Your mom and your brother ran. But you got separated in the crowd. And then the Candyman took you. 

He said he would kill you. And Sidestep came alone, with his hands held up. Saying he would surrender. To save you. 

You. 

His life for yours, that was the deal. Just like on TV.

But he had planned it ahead. Steel attacked the Candyman. And Sidestep swept in and took you away. 

You were terrified. But he tapped your shoulder and looked at you.

And you knew. You knew everything would be fine as long as your hero was there. The terror was gone He saved you. And then, after it was over, you run up to him. And the two of you took a picture together. And a video.

  Mark and you watched that video every night.

You remember when your mom started doing drugs after the beatings became more common. You remember when she was arrested for possession.

  You remember when your father came in so drunk that he broke Marks' arm. And beat you so hard you passed out. And then you lived with grandma. Until she passed too.

You remember watching out for each other, just you and your brother, on the streets. You remember when you made the pact. That if one survived and the other didn't, you would become the greatest hero that ever lived. And Mark swore the same. And then you injected the drugs.

And they worked. You started floating. Your brother became incredibly fast. You played around with your powers all night. And then went to sleep knowing you'd be superheroes the next day. But only you woke up. Your brother was dead. His body aged rapidly during the night. His face... the expression of pain.

You couldn't cry. You just couldn't. You promised him you would be the greatest hero. That you would do it for the two of you. You didn't cry.

You did everything you could. Joined the Rangers. Became one of the youngest heroes. Tried to prove yourself, at every opportunity.

For Mark. You owed him.

And then Sidestep came back. You felt your world turning upside down.

And then Retribution. You remember the fight. How he hated you. He broke your bones. Tortured you. Wanted to kill you... You don't know how you made it out alive. But you recovered. You had to. You couldn't let this stop you.

You couldn't let this happen again. You asked Sidestep to help you. You begged him. You literally swept him off his feet and tried to find out why he quit. It made you feel afraid. You couldn't quit. No matter the odds. You needed to become stronger.

He agreed to train you. You began talking. Became friends. There was something else... But you couldn't speak it out loud. 

He asked you why had you become a superhero. You had never told anyone before. But you told him. And he was at a loss for words. He left the dinner that night.

Then next time you met him, he promised he'd help you fulfill your promise to Mark. 

He trained you. He trained you hard. He was a relentless teacher. He trained your mind, your body, your powers. Helped you learn how to resist mental attacks. How to be faster, stronger. How to block any attack. How to read your opponent.

The attack on the tech towers... You fought Retribution to a standstill. "Not good enough!" he told you

The bombs planted at the mall. You managed to throw them at the lake. "Too slow!" he judged it.

Sabotage on the armament factories. Retribution gave you a cut on your check there. You were lucky it wasn't your neck. "You came through the wrong entrance!" he admonished you.

You felt something building up as training went. His concern when you were injured became more visceral. More personal Finally, during a long session, you kissed. And he panicked. He had to leave. You didn't understand it of course. How could you know?

Then the next attack came... buildings torn down, as he deployed a nanite weapon. You defeated him. You took several wounds, but you stopped him. He had to flee. "I... I think you are ready" Sidestep told you at last.   You were done with playing this game with him. You approached him and kissed him. And he kissed you back. And his facade fell. He broke down. Falling on his knees. And he confessed. He told you he wasn't human. He was a re-gene. A government weapon. He told you he had done terrible things. You told him he was still a hero. He slapped you. He told you he was no one's hero. He told you, that you should kill him before he ruined everything again.

But you didn't. You pinned him down on the floor. And kissed him. He struggled... and then he gave in. You helped him take off his nanomesh shirt... The tattoos underneath. He was embarrassed. He told you he hated his body. You told him had never seen anything so beautiful. He told you to stop. But you kept telling him. You told him to read your mind. He could see it was true. He broke in tears. Told you he was a piece of shit, and that he should have died a long time ago. You held him until he stopped shivering. And then he calmed down. And he opened up. You started speaking about life... and the universe. You let passion take over the wheel. And then you spent the night, on that rooftop. It was more than sex.  He entered your mind. You could feel him. You could feel yourself. It was almost a religious experience.

You stayed together, sharing your minds for long hours. Until you saw it. The horrors of the farm. The hatred he had been hiding deep inside. The Mask. Retribution, hiding inside his mind, in plain sight.

You raised your mind’s shields, the way he thought you to, cutting the link. He smiled bitterly. "I knew you couldn't stand it once you saw it... I'm sorry" "You should have killed me," he said.

You fought. half-naked, his tattoos glowing under the night's sky. You didn't want to, but he attacked you. He left you no choice. You were ready. He couldn't beat you. But he had a taser hidden among his things. He knocked you down. As you passed out he asked you "Please... stay away from this. I can't stop. Not for you. Not for anyone. Please, just sit this one out Daniel." And he escaped.

And then his plan unfolded. The attack on the Missile Silo. A mind-controlled army on his side. During independence day.  The rangers and you fought your way through. He sealed the gate in the control room, but your flight was faster, thanks to his training. You were the only ranger to make it inside.  You begged for him to stop. He refused. He started the countdown. You fought. You threw him over the controls. He smashed you into the computers. You broke his arm. He sent nanites to make the ceiling crash on you.  You slammed him into a wall. He attacked your mind with all his strength and fury. Your shields held. He had trained you well. 

 His armor began breaking down. Circuits burning, and sparks coming out after every strike. In the end, he fell down, beaten. He has sustained so many injuries.  But you couldn't stop the countdown. The missile targeted a deserted area in Nevada. A look of triumph in his eyes.

 You opened the gates. Ortega was beside himself when he saw it.  Sidestep whispered a few words in your ear.  "I think... you've... kept your promise... Daniel.” He was smiling. He was dying, but you would never forget the look of happiness “I thought you everything I know... please... take this"  And he gave you the memory rod. "Please give it to... Mia Ochoa. She'll know what to do... And.. tell them.. who I was." 

“Please stop, we need to take you to a hospital,” you asked. 

“That’s... not an option,” he said.

And then you felt him in your mind one last time. You kissed him, sharing his final thoughts. 

 And he died. For real this time. And part of you died with him.  The scandal came later when the government conspiracy was debunked.  You became a national hero. The greatest in the West Coast. In all America.  You have much to be proud of. And you are, most of the time.

 But on the fourth of July, you only want to forget. You don't want memories on a day like this.

 "HEY! ARE YOU HERALD!?" A man approaches you. "I SAW YOU ON TV! YOUR BATTLE AGAINST RETRIBUTION WAS THE BEST! YOU BEAT HIM GOOD! YOu..." He is interrupted by the first connecting with his face.  You stand up to leave. Did you break his jaw? Perhaps.  You can't help it.

 Especially no on a day like this.

____________________________

My fanfics: https://chaniters.tumblr.com/post/181692759294/my-fanfiction-for-fallen-hero

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fan fiction using characters and the setting of the Fallen Hero: Rebirth and upcoming Fallen Hero: Retribution games written by Malin Riden. I do not claim ownership of any characters from the Fallen Hero wold. These stories are a work of my imagination, and I do not ascribe them to the official story canon. These works are intended for entertainment outside the official storyline owned by the author. I am not profiting financially from the creation of these stories, and thank the author for her wonderful game/s, without which these works would not exist.

[lefthandactivist]

The Beginner’s Guide

If you haven’t been able to tell, I play quite a few video games. My steam library has too many to properly pay attention to, and I have to be careful of how much time I spend gaming instead of other practical hobbies.

So when I say that I return to the same games over and over, there can be different reasons for this. Some (like skyrim and minecraft) offer a world where I know pretty much all the rules. I can do quite a bit just within those spaces, and it’s often how I cool down after a stressful day. Others, (darksouls and metroidvania titles) offer bite-size challenges that I can hit head on in my own time. 

But there are a couple of games that left me with something else, something that makes me return to them in the same way I return to certain books. One of these is “The Beginners Guide”.

Now, there are definately spoilers ahead, so if you have any interest in playing this game yourself, do so before reading please (knowing anything going in will probably color your experience, I’m not joking). Furthermore, if hundreds of words on a linear, minimal gameplay indie game doesn’t interest you, feel free to skip over this one. As always, this is mainly to get my own thoughts down (you’ll see why). 

Wow are all of my posts going to start with me telling my readers to not read from now on? Well now that I’m alone with my thoughts, lets discuss.

The Beginners Guide comes from the “same developer” as The Stanley Parable. A game that I enjoyed so much for what it does that when this new title was dropped on steam I bought it pretty much immediately, making it I believe my 300th title owned from the marketplace. I played through it not long after and then proceeded to listen to some sappy music to get myself back in order. If you let it, this game can hit you hard. But once again, I’m probably biased.

The game comes in chapters, each one a different game developed by the narrator’s friend, “Coda”. Nothing is left out of experience to suggest whether this is a true story so we’ll approach it as any other experience.

Chapter 1: Whisper. More establishing dialogue about how these games are incomplete or abandoned in most cases. The interesting points here for me are the labyrinth in the space station (reminds me of the quote “how will I ever get out of this labyrinth? Read Looking For Alaska read John Green!), and what happens when you step into the beam. floating up and seeing the whole level, I remember how these games are made, room brushes and objects, physics code and player camera. this game takes every chance it can to remind you that games have an author. 

Chapter 2: Backwards. I love the ideas in this level. the first time there was a definite “ohhh” moment when I realized what was going on. If I were to play a single level multiple times, this would be one for that, just so I can read the story written on these walls.

Entering, stairs, walls, exiting: I’m going to ignore what the narrator says about these levels. I do think they serve some connected purpose, but I like it more as an act of spite. These ideas are mine, better make the hard (or impossible) to access. as somebody who’s had story ideas floating around with them for a while, I’m always weary to share them, in case someone grabs it and runs away with it before I can do anything with it. Which probably means I should just write the stories instead of all of this..

Chapter 7: Down. The narrator finishes telling us that the engine is best at blocky empty corridors just as we enter an expansive cavern full of slanted geometry. This was the first hint to me that the narrator may not be reliable in all respects - he’s right about the engine, but that’s not what Coda decides to do with it. At the bottom we stay in a cell, which the narrator lets us out of before the allotted hour intended by Coda, which marks the fifth time he openly edits the levels to suit his need. Then we get to the puzzle.

I’m going to talk a little about this puzzle later, but when we get through it, in game dialogue keeps asking us about the puzzle, how we got through it, telling us it’s impossible. We can’t tell them how easy it is to pass through, and in some cases we have to lie to them. then the level ends with the first light post.

Chapter 8: Notes. It was replaying this level that made me want to talk about this game. Here we see a world Coda says is full of other player’s notes. The narrator reveals that they were all written by Coda. It’s convincing, they all sound like they came right from a youtube comment string or reddit thread. I immediately heard this as Coda saying. “your messages into the void are messages into the void.” In a way, he’s criticizing what I’m trying to do here, talking about the game, analyzing it. But the narrator reads this as some troubled artist who needs someone to connect to. The thoughts don’t seem to be written in Coda’s voice, but the narrator sees them that way. 

The level ends with the puzzle again. The narrator sees it as a cut off point, a end of a thought so Coda can move on. I get where he’s coming from, that’s what a lot of these posts do for me, but I think there’s something else going on. this puzzle is easy to the player, but the notes in this level and the talking characters in the last have no idea how you do it. It’s like a ski’ll that other people value and desire, that just comes naturally. I think Coda, if he’s saying anything here, is saying that. He’s able to make these games and say things with them, but he can’t explain how to do it, so the attention he gets about the process itself feels a bit misplaced.

Chapter 9: Escape. Coda makes a series of “prison” levels. each one is different, but they all hold the same idea, there will be some way to escape, but then the escape fails. The narrator hates these, he thinks coda is spending too much time on these prisons, and worries that it isn’t healthy. I think it’s natural, though. Someone described writing as choosing book after book from an infinite library, picking one that added the right next word or changing a previous one, until you land on the perfect book, one that’s always been there but nobody’s looked at before, and you leave with that one. Imagine seeing the room of previous books, would you think the author was obsessed? editing and refining is a natural part of the process.

Chapter 10: House. “You can’t stay in the dark space for too long, you just can’t. You have to keep moving, it’s how you survive”. 

I really like this level. I like how the chores loop but we get new dialogue with our cleaning partner. I like the calm music and how peaceful it is. I feel Coda would’ve had a similar reaction, which is why he made it and was so happy about it. And I hate how the narrator ends it. Describing this life as stagnation, as not living. This level is a lot like the nothing I wrote about last year, or how I feel when I’m doing work with someone and just being in that moment. The narrator takes that away.

Chapter 11: the narrator hits this one pretty much on the head, and I don’t have much to add.

Chapter 12: Theater. This level got to me. The pressure to say the right thing, the yelling at your own self to do better, the solution being to withdraw and hide away. 

This is a performance. Put on your mask and play the part assigned to you.

Chapter 13: Mobius. You can’t play this with your eyes closed, as instructed. you have to see to find out what’s going on, and you have to move. and then someone tells you to tell the truth. these games are draining you, you can’t make new ideas, you don’t know where else to go. and so the level stops.

Yeah, I’ve felt that before.

Chapter 14: Island. 

There’s a lie we tell that the work you do and claim t’o love has to be easy and worthwhile and enjoyable 100% of the time. we say that relationships are only true if they are effortless, that passion is only true if it is effortless, that stumbling blocks mean you were never going to succeed because it should be effortless.

So we lie. We all lie. Because there’s no truth to that. But it’s what we say to keep others from worrying.

Chapter 15: Machine.

But sometimes that isn’t enough, you have to stop. And when an audience demands you to keep going, but you can’t, they can turn on you. Feeling responsible for your audience, needing to meet their expectations because you know they demand it. It’s notable, that whether you destroy the machine or all the things it’s created, the result is the same.

The narrator doesn’t see this. He needs that social encouragement. Coda wants nothing to do with it.

Chapter 16: The tower.

. This level doesn’t want to be played, the narrator makes it playable.

. The narrator reveals that he had to add an end to the house level. it used to loop the chores forever.

. “I feel like a failure, I guess. When I can’t fix the problem”.

. an author isn’t his works. the works are not the author.

a hallway ends with a message on a wall. “Dear Davey, thank you for your interest in my games. I need to ask you to not speak to me anymore”.

And here’s where I stopped. There are other messages, about how the light posts were added by the narrator, how Coda didn’t want him showing his work to others. Messages talking about how the narrator had taken advantage of Coda’s work. And those messages are important, at least to the narrative. But those aren’t the messages that hit me.

These are:

“When I’m around you I feel physically ill”.

“You desperately need something and I cannot give it to you. I literally do not have it”.

“The fact that you think I am frustrated or broken says more about you than about me”.

Because I’ve been there. I’ve done exactly that. And that person pushed me away in much the same way.

And I had to let them. Because what I was taking was never mine to take. And I sure as hell wasn’t giving in return.

The end of this game, what comes after the tower, is important; you should hear it. but, maybe not here? This game is about authorship, and I find it important for that reason as well, but when I reach the end, all thoughts of that are replaced with thoughts on people. I had to write this one chapter at a time as I replayed it, because here I forget ever trying to see meaning in it other than this: “What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person”.

I cite Paper Towns and Ender’s Game and Catcher in the Rye, but this game was important for that, too. It put that thought into motion, let me control the tempo. playing through it again, I remember why I closed out of it the last time.

It serves well to remember, but “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

[kuriquinn]

Miso Soup Everyday

Summary: This is supposed to be a certainty – the one sure thing in his entire life. Yet he can't fight the same mounting apprehension he experiences when crossing into a dimension he's never visited before.

Disclaimer: This story utilises characters, situations and premises that are copyright Masashi Kishimoto, Shueisha, Shonen Jump and Viz media. No infringement on their respective copyrights pertaining to episodes, novelisations, comics or short stories is intended by KuriQuinn in any way, shape or form. This fan-oriented story is written solely for the author’s own amusement and the entertainment of the fandom. It is not for profit. Any resemblance to real organisations, institutions, products or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

All plot and Original Characters except for those introduced in the canon books, manga, video games, novelisations and anime, are the sole creation of KuriQuinn. (© KuriQuinn 2016—)

Warning: Spoilers for everything in Naruto (up to Chapter 700).

Canon-Compliance: This work is loosely part of the Legacy of Fire series. It is and is not canon-compliant (for reasons that will be made clearer in my as yet unnamed and unwritten Sakura/Sasuke Blank Period Pre Pregnancy Get Together travel fic. Yes, it’s kind of complicated.

Beta Reader: Sakura’s Unicorn

Honestly, it’s a bit of a role reversal.

When they were children, Sasuke was the aloof one—cool and confident, perpetually at ease in his role as the storied prodigy of Konoha. He was the genius of Team Seven, overshadowing Sakura’s presence as if she was only an afterthought. Naruto and he had their rivalry between them, so it was all too easy to consider Sakura as a barely requisite third wheel. Insecure and needy, she trailed after him like a puppy.  

That’s no longer true.

These days, it’s Sakura (alongside Naruto) who is the beacon of hope in the community, the hero little children crowd excitedly around when she walks through the streets. Sasuke is the one people don’t think of—or rather, prefer not to think of. He’s the third wheel of the Sannin’s heirs, whose reputation is maintained only by his connection to the other two. He might have helped to save the planet, but it’s Sakura’s name that opens doors.

And if that doesn’t work, her fist splinters them.

Since returning to Konoha, Sasuke has noticed the whispers and stares that follow them when he and Sakura go anywhere together. Initially, he thought the behaviour was directed at him—judgement for his past deeds and the dark legacy that will hound him until he dies. Except, the general tone of the whispers is usually deferential. He knows from years of wandering that people are more likely to avert their eyes than risk his attention. Thus, it’s Sakura to whom they look—she holds the admiration of every inhabitant of the growing village.

What’s surprising about it, though, is how much he doesn’t mind. As a child, the idea of being second to anyone was unacceptable, especially compared to his teammates: Naruto, because he was the village screw-up, and Sakura because she was just support—an admirer to cheer on his successes and, in the early days of their team, to highlight just how far Naruto was beneath their collective skill level.

It’s all different now.

Sakura is the one who stayed in Konoha, working hard to earn the respect and awe of the village. These days she walks confidently in the sun while Sasuke is content to watch her from the shadows.

It’s ironic, actually. In three short years, a civilian-born girl with no bloodline talent to speak of achieved more widespread respect than the Uchiha clan did in three generations.

He wonders what his parents would have made of Sakura. He likes to think they would have approved.

Father would have been terse and silent, but even he wouldn’t be able to deny her incredible talent. Mother would warm to her instantly because her temperament was rather similar. And his brother…

Sasuke can’t help a rueful, bitter smile at this. Itachi would have probably figured out Sasuke’s feelings for her before Sasuke himself did.

He’s aware enough of his shortcomings these days that the admission comes easily. He understands that he’s cared for Sakura since their Academy days—lack of natural talent aside, she intrigued him, even if he didn’t show it. Humans are visual creatures, and her hair alone meant he couldn’t pretend she didn’t exist the way he could with other kids. On top of that, she was intelligent enough to beat him on every written test, though she never sought to compete with him.

This, too, is ironic. Perhaps if she’d approached him as a potential rival, he would have seen her value earlier on.

Instead, his childhood memories of Sakura are of a pretty and shallow (yet kind) girl trailing behind him. Even then, she had a remarkable tenacity and dedication, bringing him Valentine’s Day gifts every year and patiently enduring his constant rebuffs. Sasuke didn’t even realise until much later—until that last fight with Naruto—that with every passing year, another chunk of his heart fell into her waiting palm.

Knowing that should make his plans today easier, but it doesn’t.

He’s had nightmares since the end of the war—dreams which take up the space in his head where revenge was once so prominent. Most often, they are of that day long ago when he almost snuffed out her light. Sometimes, Sasuke still feels the phantom heat of the Chidori in his palm, can still see her back bared to him as he moves closer.

He knows now that if he’d landed that blow, he would not have survived the war.

As mad with grief and rage as he was, having Sakura’s blood on his hands would have shattered his already damaged psyche beyond repair. The loss of Itachi coupled with the truths about his brother’s life had thrown him off the deep end; responsibility for Sakura’s death would have kept him there.

He doubts she realises this, even though they’ve spent more time together since his return—partaking in quiet dinners or long walks when her schedule allows for it. There’s even the rare sparring match that leaves him bruised but proud. She doesn’t ask him why he’s around so often or allude in any way to how she feels for him.

If she still feels for him.

She as good as told him in her letters that she was tired of waiting. Likely, it’s too late for anything, regardless of his belated hopes. And yet, despite this, Sasuke has been vacillating about the matter since he came back to Konoha. Until today.

At least he hopes.

It’s become habit to pass by the clinic to pick Sakura up after work. She falls into step with him with more ease than she ever did when they were young. Sometimes, they meander through the town while she chats about her day. Sometimes, they find an out-of-the-way restaurant to get a bite to eat. Sometimes, when she’s exhausted, he simply walks her home.  

Today, though, he leads them along the river toward the lake. They’ve walked this way before, but he’s never led her down the embankment. She doesn’t ask where they’re going, which he takes as encouragement.

The dock where he spent so much time alone as a child looks almost exactly as it did then. The wood is slightly warped, causing it to tilt downward toward the lake a little, but it’s still sturdy. There are burn marks on the edges from lessons long ago. He stares at them for a beat, allowing memories to take him out of the present for a few moments.

Beside him, Sakura is still as well, but it’s a comfortable quiet. Now that they’re older, she’s more intuitive about his reticence. As children, she would talk his ear off as if terminally afraid of a drawn-out silence, filling it by any means. Sometimes, he appreciated this because it saved him the effort of having to maintain a conversation (especially when they were around other people).

Most of the time, though, he just wanted her to leave him to brood in peace.

These days, whether it’s because of her own wartime experiences or her work with those who have suffered its effects, she knows exactly when to simply linger quietly. And, as usual, he appreciates her waiting for him to open the conversation. It takes a little more effort today to find a way to start.

“This where I learned to perform Katon,” he tells her finally, his voice even, despite the way his stomach spasms with nerves.

“Oh?” she inquires, and out of the corner of his eye, he sees her look up at him, surprise and curiosity flickering across her features. He seldom, if ever, talks about the past—even more rarely does he speak of the time before they were genin.

Sasuke nods, staring out across the calm waters. “My father taught me. It was the only thing he was able to show me before he…died.”  

Even so many years later, the pain is still as raw as it was the day of the massacre. The blinding rage is gone now, however. When he notices small, strong fingers tentatively wrap around his right hand and give a brief, reassuring squeeze, his instinct is to return the gesture, instead of pulling away.

“The technique was created by the Uchiha clan,” he goes on, sticking to facts because this is what he knows for sure. Facts are unchangeable, not hinging on chance and sentiment. “My family honed it over the years and, even though others have learned to master it, they could never achieve the exact effect that we could.”

He perceives her nod at this, but senses confusion as to why he’s bringing this up right now. She won’t ask, though, intuitively accepting that he has some purpose. Not for the first time does he think she trusts him far too much than he deserves—far more than he even trusts himself.

But today there is a purpose, and if he could ignore the nagging doubts at the back of his mind, he might be able to get to it. This is supposed to be a certainty—the one sure thing in his entire life. Yet, he can’t fight the same mounting apprehension he experiences when crossing into a dimension he’s never visited before.

“Would you like me to teach you?” he asks, inwardly cringing at how tentative he sounds, despite his efforts to be casual.

Luckily, Sakura is too caught off-guard to notice. “You’ve never asked me that before.”

“I never recognised the opportunity,” he admits. Too blinded by rage and revenge, it never occurred to him as a kid that the teammates he considered dead weight might improve faster if he helped them.

Sakura knows this too and doesn’t argue the point. Instead, she says, “I’m not a fire type, though.”

“That shouldn’t stop the apprentice of the Fifth Hokage.”

Sakura scoffs. “That sounds like a challenge.”

“Hn.”

“All right! You’ve got it!” Sakura declares, making a show of rolling up her sleeves and facing the lake. “Stand back and watch me! Shannaro!” She flexes her fingers, preparing to form the requisite hand seals, and then glances back, a ghost of doubt on her face. “Um…any pointers?”

Sasuke’s mouth twitches at this.

He gives her a demonstration and the same advice his father offered.  

She masters the technique faster than he did. Not on the first try, like Itachi, but within hours. He puts that down to her excellent chakra control and the fact that, as a jōnin, learning to master new techniques quickly is a prerequisite. There’s a huge difference between her abilities and those of a seven-year-old with self-esteem issues.

Thanks to her instant healing, there’s no obvious signs of damage—her cheeks aren’t burned, and her lips haven’t chapped from the flame. But the tips of her hair are singed a little and her skin is rosy from the heat.

After expelling the last fireball, Sakura coughs, smoke wafting briefly from mouth and nostrils, but when it dissipates, her eyes are dancing.

“How’s that?” she challenges, hands on her hips and chin jutted out.

Sasuke smirks. “As expected.”

“Oh, come on! That was amazing and you know it! Mine might even be better than yours!”

“Tch.”

She laughs at that.

“I think I burnt my tongue. My taste buds aren’t going to work properly for a week!” Her face becomes inquisitive. “What’s the occasion, though? Or did you really just want to avoid another gourmet dinner at Ichiraku with Naruto?”

As Sasuke has come to expect from her, Sakura provides him with an out. He’s not entirely sure how long she’s been doing that, or even if it’s intentional, but he appreciates it all the same. Today, however, he will not make use of it.

“That’s an extra benefit,” he allows, earning an amused, somewhat conspiratorial grin. He pauses, momentarily at loss of how to say what he needs to say. Eyes trained on the surface of the lake, he steels himself and continues.  “This technique…in my family, it’s a rite of passage.”

He lets that sink in.

“Oh, yeah. I think you mentioned that once,” she says thoughtfully. “Or Kakashi-sensei said it. It’s like a coming-of-age tradition, right?”

“Aa,” he affirms and, trying to lace his words with meaning, confides, “It’s only passed on by close family members.”

“Right. That’s why your father taught you. I think that’s a nice tradition.”

Sasuke winces inwardly because she clearly doesn’t understand what he’s trying to say. It’s not a failing on her part, but his own inability to articulate the point properly. The words are there, but for some reason, they die somewhere between throat and lips. Demons and malevolent gods he can take, but this five-foot-four woman with pink hair makes Sasuke nervous. And it’s not because she can crush his skull with her little finger, either.

“Until one can perform the technique properly, one cannot truly claim the name Uchiha,” he explains, hoping the inflexion of the words conveys his intended meaning.   

But Sakura still doesn’t get it.

“That’s a lot of pressure to put on a child,” she says lightly. She’s probably imagining him struggling to learn the technique, terrified of failure. She wouldn’t be wrong, either.

The knots in Sasuke’s stomach get worse and, if she doesn’t realise soon, he’ll have to spell it out for her. He’s half-angry about that because she’s supposed to be smarter. She should intuit what he’s trying to say and save him from making an utter fool of himself.

“Not only a child,” he corrects, again elaborately casual. “You performed it perfectly.”

Please…just…listen to what I’m trying to say.

There’s a heavy pause, and then Sakura’s breath catches in her throat. The silence between them suddenly isn’t so companionable now, but fraught with a tension like the entire world is holding its breath. Sasuke doesn’t look directly at her as she parses his words, using that blinding intellect of hers to understand what he’s trying to ask. Still, he glimpses her face from the corner of his eye and this is how he watches her expression blossom with understanding.

Success.

He turns to her.

“I have no right to ask anything of you,” he says plainly. “Not after everything.”

“Sasuke—”

“Sakura, let me…” he trails off, jaw working and his own voice catching as the words get lost again, but damn it, he has to get this out! “I don’t know if I can be what you want, what you’ve hoped for. Or if I can give you everything that you deserve. And it’s possible I’ve waited too long.” He swallows. “But when I think of family—even at my lowest point, where I’d given up on the idea—you were the only one I could ever see myself with. The one that I…”

Again, words fail him, and Sasuke wants to swear in frustration. He needs her to know because maybe the faster he gets it out, the better the odds will be. Sakura deserves so much better—always has—and could have anyone else. She should have anyone else, but he’s still hoping that she won’t want anyone else.

“Say it.”

Sasuke is rather jarringly brought out of his rambling, insecure thoughts by a cracking whisper.

Sakura stares up at him, tears welling in her eyes. Why is it him who always makes her cry? He expected her to be flustered or awkward, but instead, she looks the same as she does when bracing for a physical blow.

This confuses him. “What?”

“I need you to say it,” she tells him, barely above a whisper. “Just once. Say it and mean it.” Her fists clench. “I’ll never ask to hear it again, if that’s what you want. But before I can say yes—to the future, to trying, to…to all of it—you have to say it.” She takes a shuddering breath. “If you can’t, then I…I…”

She trails off as if the idea is too hard for her to even enunciate, too painful to consider—for either of them.

Sasuke has never been good with words. What he feels for Sakura, he doesn’t want to—can’t, really—put into words. There is no collection of syllables or sounds that are accurate enough to describe the girl who gave him her heart when they were children. The woman who waited for him for years, who forgave him for trying to kill her, their best friend, and their entire village. He’s wandered the world, looking for redemption, and it’s only since returning here that he’s realised he had it the whole time.

He wants to tell her all of that, but he doesn’t think she’ll understand. Not now, not yet—not while they’re still getting used to being around one another. Maybe after a lifetime, if she’ll give him that, it will come easier—his words and her ability to trust in him.

But for now, she wants something so simple, something almost infantile, as if a set phrase is a guarantee, a safety net, or a reward of some kind. He knows this, but struggles to give it to her, because it’s so insufficient. And everything about him to date, when it relates to her, has been insufficient.

If he does this wrong, she’ll turn away—it’s why she’s giving him this ultimatum in the first place. In their time apart, she’s developed into a strong, independent individual with unapologetic self-respect and unmalleable resolve. She knows what his hopes are, the unspoken wish behind one of his ultimate goals. But Sakura won’t become the vehicle for his happiness unless she’s sure she’ll benefit from it as well. It’s only fair and Sasuke admires her even more for it, but right now, it’s making him want to turn tail and run.

“Sakura…” He really, really wishes he was better at this.

Just do it already, you ass.

And why isn’t it surprising that, in this moment where the rest of his life might change for better or worse, Sasuke can clearly hear the voice of his idiot best friend telling him what to do? It almost makes him want to check to make sure the halfwit isn’t lurking somewhere nearby.

Regardless of its source, the advice is right. No more good can come of waiting.

Sasuke bends down so that his forehead presses against Sakura’s, bringing them eye to eye. She tenses up and her pale cheeks flush with colour, her lips parting in surprise. If this position prevents Sakura from seeing the colour rising on his own face or noticing that his hand is shaking as it gently takes hers, all the better.

“I don’t know what the future holds,” he says in a low voice, “but I want to spend it with you.”

Her lower lip trembles at this. “Because…because you love me?” Sakura prompts, the question a whisper but with a mettle to it. It’s a firm reminder that she will not let him off easy in this moment.

Sasuke exhales through his nose in defeat, eyes closing in affectionate resignation. “Because I love you.”

When he opens his eyes, Sakura’s are (if possible) wider than he’s ever seen. The utter shock etched into every other feature is simultaneously amusing and worrisome. He wonders dimly if, against all odds, this is finally what breaks her.  

Putting some distance between their faces, he gently taps two fingers beneath the rhombus-shaped seal on her forehead—partially to make sure she’s still cognizant, but also to drive the message home. Sakura has never completely understood the gesture before in the handful of instances he’s demonstrated it, but now understanding flickers into place—that this is not just today, and not only because she asked him, but that he’s wanted this for so much longer.

Glassy green eyes are now overflowing with tears, the droplets winding down the curves of her cheeks and quivering jaw. Mild panic sets in—why is she upset? Shouldn’t she be happy?

“Sakura, why are you cry—mmph!”

Fingers fist in his shirt and a pair of soft lips are planted very firmly against his own.

Sasuke stands frozen for several seconds. Dimly, he supposes he should’ve expected this, because isn’t this what’s meant to happen when two people acknowledge feelings for one another? Essentially, he asked Sakura to spend the rest of her life with him, so it shouldn’t come as a shock that there would be a physical confirmation of this. Only, he didn’t quite expect it to happen so fast. Well, fast, he thinks, is relative. They have been building up to this since childhood, but he’s still not sure—

“You’re supposed to kiss me back,” Sakura mumbles against his mouth. If he wasn’t blushing before, the embarrassment hits fully now.

Still, the permission takes at least some of his discomfiture away.

Slow and tentative, Sasuke returns the kiss. It’s clumsy and uncertain because he’s never done this before, but she makes a small, approving noise at the back of her throat and he guesses he’s doing something right. Sakura tastes like smoke from the Katon and something sweet he doesn’t have a name for. He suspects he could spend the rest of his life trying to figure it out without success, an idea doesn’t bother him at all.

She fits her mouth over his, softly pulling his bottom lip between hers, and Sasuke’s senses fade out. Something like relief passes over him, as if a weight has been pulled from his very soul. The last, tightly coiled vestiges of doubt and anxiety which have gathered in him for years are now gone, and the only thing in the world is her. That, in itself, is mildly terrifying, but in a good way.

Achingly slowly, Sakura pulls away from him, reaching up to brush his hair away from his left eye. Her fingers stay in place, keeping the strands from falling back while her thumb traces a gentle arc from eyebrow to temple. He leans into the touch and she grins at him.

“Well?” she prompts. “What do you think?”

“…Hm?” It should concern Sasuke that his brain takes a second or two to catch up.

“Better than Naruto, right?” she wants to know.

The post-kiss haze vanishes. Sasuke sputters out a wordless response because that’s not how these things are supposed to go. His people skills might be rusty, but he’s pretty sure it’s far from normal to remind the man who just confessed his feelings for you about his (very unwilling) first (and second) kiss with their mutual best friend.

Sakura is laughing, at him or at the situation, he doesn’t know. He should be annoyed about this—and if she ever tells anyone about it, he will be—but the tears in her eyes are from mirth, not pain or sadness and, for once, he doesn’t regret putting them there.

“Yes, by the way,” she tells him happily, leaning into his chest. “Yes to all of it.”

終わり

Thanks for reading my story, and I hope you enjoy it! Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome! If you want to support my writing, I accept ko-fi donations and have started posting original fiction on my patreon account, Kuriworlds I encourage you to check it out!

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[sasusakufestival]

Miso Soup Everyday

Summary: This is supposed to be a certainty – the one sure thing in his entire life. Yet he can’t fight the same mounting apprehension he experiences when crossing into a dimension he’s never visited before. [SasuSaku Festival 2017 – Day 2 – Prompt: “Insecurity”]

Disclaimer: This story utilizes characters, situations and premises that are copyright Masashi Kishimoto, Shueisha, Shonen Jump and Viz Media. No infringement on their respective copyrights pertaining to episodes, novelizations, comics or short stories is intended by the author in any way, shape or form. This fan oriented story is written solely for the author’s own amusement and the entertainment of the readers. It is not for profit. Any resemblance to real organizations, institutions, products or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. All fiction, plot and Original Characters with the exception of those introduced in the books, manga, video games, novelizations and anime, are the sole creation of KuriQuinn and using them without permission is considered rude, in bad-taste and will reflect seriously on your credibility as a writer. You will be incinerated by a giant fireball should you be found plagiarizing.

Warning: Spoilers for pretty much everything up to Chapter 699.

Canon-Compliance: As close to canon as fanfiction can possibly be. With a few personal additions :P Takes place during the Blank Period.

Fanon-Compliance: Takes place several years before An Inch of Gold and Unplanned.

Beta Reader: Sakura’s Unicorn

User: kuriquinn 

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Honestly, it’s a bit of a role reversal.

When they were children, Sasuke was the aloof one – cool and confident, perpetually at ease in his role as the storied prodigy of Konoha. He was the genius of Team Seven, overshadowing Sakura’s presence as if she was no more than an afterthought. Between his rivalry with Naruto and the attention Kakashi lavished upon him, it was all too easy to consider Sakura as a barely requisite third wheel. Insecure and needy, she trailed after him like a puppy.

That’s no longer true.

These days, it’s Naruto and Sakura that are beacons of hope in the community, the heroes that little children crowd excitedly around when they walk through the streets. Sasuke is the one people don’t think of – or rather, prefer not to think of. The third wheel of the new generation of Sannin, whose reputation is maintained only by his connection to the other two.

He might’ve helped to save the planet, but it’s Sakura’s name that opens doors.

And if that doesn’t work, her fist splinters them.

Since returning to Konoha, Sasuke has noticed the whispers and stares that follow them when they walk together. Initially, he thought the behaviour was directed at him – judgement on his past deeds and the dark legacy that will hound him until he dies – except the general tone of the whispers is usually deferential. He knows from years of wandering that people are more likely to avert their eyes than risk his attention. However, it’s Sakura to whom they look; it’s she who holds the admiration of every inhabitant of the growing city.

What’s surprising about it, though, is how much he doesn’t mind. As a child, the idea of being second to anyone was unacceptable, especially in comparison to his teammates. Naruto because he was the village screw-up and Sakura because – back then – she was just support. An admirer to cheer on his successes and, in the early days of their team, to highlight just how much Naruto was beneath both their skill level.

It’s all different now.

Sakura is the one who stayed here, working hard to earn the respect and awe of the village. These days she walks confidently in the sun, while Sasuke is content to watch her from the shadows.

It’s actually ironic.

In three short years, a civilian-born girl with no bloodline talent to speak of has achieved more widespread respect than the Uchiha clan did in three generations. He wonders – especially today – what his parents would’ve made of Sakura. He likes to think they would have approved.

Father would’ve been terse and silent, but even he wouldn’t be able to deny her incredible talent. Mother would warm to her instantly, because her temperament was rather similar. And his brother…

Sasuke can’t help a rueful, bitter smile at this. Itachi would’ve probably figured out Sasuke’s feelings for her before Sasuke himself did.

He’s aware enough of his shortcomings these days that the admission comes easily. He understands that he’s cared for Sakura since their Academy days—lack of natural talent aside, she intrigued him, even if he didn’t show it. Humans are visual creatures, and her hair alone meant he couldn’t pretend she didn’t exist the way he could with other kids. On top of that, she was intelligent enough to beat him on every written test, though she never sought to compete with him.

This, too, is ironic. Perhaps if she had approached him as a potential rival, he would’ve seen her value earlier on.

Instead, his childhood memories of Sakura are of a pretty, shallow, yet kind girl trailing behind him. Even then, she had a remarkable tenacity and dedication, bringing him Valentine’s Day gifts every year and patiently enduring his constant rebuffs. Sasuke didn’t even realise until much later – until that last fight with Naruto – that with every passing year, another chunk of his heart fell into her waiting palm.

Knowing that should make all of this easier, but it doesn’t.

He’s had nightmares since the end of the war; dreams which take up the space in his head where revenge was once so prominent. Most often, they are of that day long ago when he almost snuffed out her life. Sometimes, Sasuke still feels the phantom heat of the electricity in his palms, can still see her back bared to him as he moves closer…

He knows now that if he’d landed that blow, he wouldn’t have survived the war.

As mad with grief and rage as he was, having Sakura’s blood on his hands would’ve shattered his already damaged psyche beyond repair. Losing his brother coupled with the truths about Itachi’s life had thrown him off the deep end; responsibility for Sakura’s death would have kept Sasuke there.

He doubts she realises this, even though they’ve spent more time together since his return—partaking in quiet dinners, long walks when her schedule allows for it, or the rare sparring match that leaves him bruised but proud. She doesn’t ask him why he’s around so often, or allude in any way how she feels for him.

If she still feels for him.

She as good as told him in her letters that she was tired of waiting. Likely, it’s too late for anything, regardless of his belated hopes. And yet despite this, Sasuke has been vacillating about the matter since he came back to Konoha.

Until today.

At least he hopes.

It’s become habit to pass by the clinic to pick Sakura up after work. She falls into step with him with more ease than she ever did when they were young.

Sometimes, they just meander through the town while she chats about her day. Sometimes, they find an out-of-the-way restaurant to get a bite to eat. Sometimes, he just walks her home.  

Today, though, he leads them along the river toward the lake. They’ve walked this way before, but he’s never led her down the embankment. She doesn’t ask where they’re going which he takes as encouragement.

The dock where he spent so much time alone as a child looks almost exactly as it did then. The wood is slightly warped, causing it to tilt downward toward the lake somewhat, but it’s still sturdy. There are burn marks on the edges from lessons long ago. He stares at them for a while, allowing memories to take him out of the present for a few moments. Beside him, Sakura is still as well, but it’s a comfortable quiet.

Now that they are older, she is more intuitive about his reticence.

As children, she would talk his ear off as if terminally afraid of a drawn-out silence, filling it by any means. While sometimes he appreciated this because it saved him the effort of having to maintain a conversation (especially when they were around other people), most of the time, he just wanted her to leave him to brood in peace.

These days, whether it’s because of her own experiences in the war or her work with those who have suffered its effects, she knows exactly when to just linger quietly. And, as usual, he appreciates her waiting for him to open the conversation.

It takes a little more effort today to find a way to start.

“This where I learned to perform Katon,” he tells her finally, his voice even despite the way his stomach spasms with nerves.

“Oh?” she inquires and, out of the corner of his eye, he sees her look up at him, surprise and curiosity passing across her features. He seldom, if ever, talks about the past; even more rarely does he speak of the time before they were genin.

Sasuke nods, staring out across the calm waters.

“My father taught me. It was the only thing he was able to show me before he…died.”  

Even so many years later, the pain is still as raw as it was the day of the massacre. The blinding rage is gone now, however. When he notices small, strong fingers tentatively wrap around his right hand and give a brief, reassuring squeeze, his instinct is to return the gesture instead of pulling away.

“The technique was created by the Uchiha clan,” he goes on, sticking to facts because this is what he knows for sure. Facts are unchangeable, not hinging on chance and sentiment. “My family honed it over the years and even though others have learned to master it, they could never achieve the exact effect that we could.”

He perceives her nod at this, but senses confusion at why he is bringing this up right now. She won’t ask, though, intuitively accepting that he has some purpose. Not for the first time does he think she trusts him far too much than he deserves – far more than he even trusts himself.

But today there is a purpose, and if he could just ignore the nagging doubts at the back of his mind, he might be able to get to it. This is supposed to be a certainty – the one sure thing in his entire life. Yet he can’t fight the same mounting apprehension he experiences when crossing into a dimension he’s never visited before.

“Would you like me to teach you?” he asks, inwardly cringing at how tentative he sounds despite his efforts to be casual.

Luckily, Sakura is too caught off-guard to notice. “You’ve never asked me that before.”

“I’ve never recognised the opportunity,” he admits. Too blinded by rage and revenge, it never occurred to him as a kid that the teammates he considered dead weight might improve faster if he helped them.

Sakura knows this too, and doesn’t argue the point. Instead, she says, “I’m not a fire type, though.”

“That shouldn’t stop the apprentice of Tsunade Senju.”

Sakura scoffs. “That sounds like a challenge.”

“Hm.”

“All right, pretty boy, you’ve got it,” Sakura declares, making a show of rolling up her sleeves and facing the lake. “Stand back and watch me! Shannaro!” She flexes her fingers, preparing to form the requisite hand seals, and then glances back, a ghost of doubt on her face. “Um…any pointers?”

Sasuke’s mouth twitches at this.

In the end, he gives her a demonstration and the same advice his father offered.  She masters the technique faster than he did. Not on the first try, like Itachi, but within hours. He puts that down to her excellent chakra control and the fact that, as a jōnin, learning to master new techniques quickly is a prerequisite. There’s a huge difference between her abilities and those of a seven-year-old with self-esteem issues.

Thanks to her instant healing abilities, there’s no obvious signs of damage – her cheeks aren’t burned and her lips aren’t chapped from the flame. But the tips of her hair are singed a little and her skin is rosy from the heat.

After expelling the last fireball, Sakura coughs, smoke wafting briefly from mouth and nostrils, but when it dissipates, her eyes are dancing.

“How’s that?” she challenges, hands on her hips and chin jutted out.

Sasuke smirks. “As expected.”

“Oh, come on. That was amazing and you know it – mine might even be better than yours!”

“Don’t push it.”

She laughs at that.

“I think I burnt my tongue; my taste buds aren’t going to work properly for a week!” Her face becomes inquisitive. “What’s the occasion, though? Or did you really just want to avoid another gourmet dinner at Ichiraku’s with Naruto?”

As Sasuke has come to expect from her, Sakura provides him with an out. He’s not entirely sure how long she’s been doing that or whether it’s intentional, but he appreciates it all the same.

Even if today, he will not make use of it.

“That’s an extra benefit,” he allows, earning an amused, somewhat conspiratorial grin. He pauses again, momentarily at loss of how to say what he needs to say. Eyes trained on the surface of the lake, he steels himself and continues.  “This technique…in my family, it’s a right of passage.”

He lets that sink in.

“Oh, yeah. I think you mentioned that once,” she says thoughtfully. “Or Kakashi-sensei said it. It’s like a coming-of-age tradition, right?”

“Hm,” he affirms and, trying to lace his words with meaning, confides, “It’s only passed on by close family members.”

“Right. That’s why your father taught you. It’s such a nice tradition.”

Sasuke winces inwardly because she clearly doesn’t understand what he’s trying to say. It’s not a failing on her part, either, but his own inability to properly articulate the point. The words are there, but for some reason, they die somewhere between throat and lips. Demons and malevolent gods he can take, but this five-foot-four woman with pink hair makes Sasuke nervous. And it’s not because she can crush his skull with her little finger, either.

“Until one can perform the jutsu properly, one cannot truly claim the name Uchiha,” he explains, hoping the inflexion of the words conveys his intended meaning.   

 But Sakura still doesn’t get it.

“That’s a lot of pressure to put on a child,” she says lightly. She’s probably imagining him struggling to learn the technique, terrified of failure.

She wouldn’t be wrong, either.

The knots in Sasuke’s stomach get worse and, if she doesn’t realise soon, he’ll have to spell it out for her. He’s half-angry about that because she’s supposed to be smarter. She should just know what he’s trying to say, and save him from making an utter fool of himself.

“Not just a child,” he corrects, again elaborately casual. “You performed it perfectly.”

Please…just…listen to what I’m trying to say.

Sakura’s breath catches in her throat.

The silence between them suddenly isn’t so companionable, but fraught with a tension like the entire world is holding it’s breath.

Sasuke doesn’t look directly at her as she parses his words, using that blinding intellect of hers to understand what he’s trying to ask, but he glimpses her face from the corner of his eye. This is how he watches her expression blossom with understanding.

Success.

He turns to her then. “I have no right to ask anything of you,” he says plainly. “Not after everything.”

“Sasuke –”

“Sakura, let me…” he trails off, jaw working and his own voice catching as the words get lost again, but damn it, he has to get this out! “I don’t know if I have the capacity to be what you want – what you’ve hoped for. Or if I can give you everything that you deserve. And it’s possible I’ve waited too long.” He swallows. “But when I think of family – even at my lowest point, where I’d given up on the idea – you were the only one I could ever see myself with, the one I…”

Again, words fail him, and Sasuke wants to yell in frustration. He needs her to know because maybe the faster he gets it out, the better the odds will be. Sakura deserves so much better – always has – and could have anyone else. She should have anyone else, but he’s still hoping against hope that she won’t want anyone else –

“Say it.”

Sasuke is rather jarringly brought out of his rambling, insecure thoughts by a cracking whisper.

Sakura stares up at him, tears welling in her eyes – why is it him who always makes her cry! He expected her to be flustered or awkward, but instead, she looks the same as she does when bracing for a physical blow.

This confuses him. “What?”

“I need you to say it,” she tells him, barely above a whisper. “Just once. Say it and mean it.” Her fists clench. “I’ll never ask to hear it again if that’s what you want, but before I can say yes – to the future, to trying, to…to all of it – you have to say it.” She takes a shuddering breath. “If you can’t, then I…I…”

She trails off as if the idea is too hard for her to even enunciate, too painful to consider – for either of them.

Sasuke has never been good with words.

What he feels for Sakura, he doesn’t want to – can’t, really – put into words. There is no collection of syllables or sounds that are accurate enough to describe the girl who gave him her heart when they were children. The woman who waited for him for years; forgave him for trying to kill her, their best friend, and their entire village.

He has wandered the world, looking for redemption and it’s only since returning here that he’s realised he had it the whole time.

He wants to tell her all of that, but he doesn’t think she’ll understand. Not now, not yet – not while they are still getting used to being around one another. Maybe after a lifetime, if she’ll give him that, it will come easier – his words and her ability to trust in him.

But for now, she wants something so simple, something almost infantile, as if a set phrase is a guarantee – a safety net or a reward of some kind. He knows this, but struggles to give it to her, because it’s just so insufficient. And everything about him to date, when it relates to her, has been insufficient.

If he does this wrong, she’ll turn away; it’s why she’s giving him this ultimatum in the first place. In their time apart, she’s developed into a strong, independent individual with unapologetic self-respect and unmalleable resolve.

She knows what his hopes are, the second of his ultimate goals. And even though he doesn’t deserve it, he won’t lie and say it isn’t one of his motivations. But Sakura won’t become the vehicle for his happiness unless she’s sure she’ll benefit from it as well. It’s only fair and Sasuke admires her all the more for it, but right now, it’s making him want to turn tail and run.

“Sakura…”

He really, really wishes he was better at this.

Just do it already, you ass.

And why isn’t it surprising that, in this moment where the rest of his life might change for better or worse, Sasuke can clearly hear the voice of his idiot best friend telling him what to do? It almost makes him want to check to make sure the fool isn’t lurking somewhere nearby.

Regardless of it’s source, the advice is right. No more good can come of waiting.

Sasuke bends down so that his forehead presses against Sakura’s, bringing them eye to eye. She tenses up and her pale cheeks flush with colour, her lips parting in surprise. If this position prevents Sakura from seeing the colour rising on his own face and neck or noticing that his hand is shaking as it gently takes hers, all the better.

“I don’t know what the future holds,” he says in a low voice, “but I want to spend it with you.”

Her lower lip trembles at this.

“Because…because you love me?” Sakura prompts, the question a whisper but with a mettle to it, a firm reminder that she will not let him off easy in this moment.

Sasuke exhales through his nose in defeat, eyes closed in affectionate resignation.

“Hm. Because I love you.”

When he opens his eyes, Sakura’s are (if possible) wider than he has ever seen. The utter shock etched into every other feature is simultaneously amusing and worrisome; he wonders dimly if against all odds, this is finally what breaks her.  

Putting some distance between their faces, he gently taps two fingers beneath the rhombus-shaped seal on her forehead – partially to make sure she’s still cognizant, but also to drive the message home. Sakura has never completely understood the gesture before in the handful of instances he’s demonstrated it, but now understanding flickers into place.

That this is not just today and not only because she asked him, but that he has wanted this for so much longer.

Glassy green eyes are now overflowing with tears, the droplets winding down the curves of her cheeks and quivering jaw. Mild panic sets in – why is she upset? Shouldn’t she be happy?

“Sakura, why are you cry – mmph!”

Fingers fist in his shirt and a pair of soft lips are planted very firmly against his own.

Sasuke stands frozen for several seconds. Dimly, he supposes he should’ve expected this, because isn’t this what’s meant to happen when two people acknowledge feelings for one another? Essentially, he just asked Sakura to spend the rest of her life with him, so it shouldn’t come as a shock that there would be a physical confirmation of this. Only, he didn’t quite expect it to happen so fast. Well, fast, he thinks, is relative. They have been building up to this since childhood, but he’s still not sure –

“You’re supposed to kiss me back,” Sakura mumbles against his mouth. If he wasn’t blushing before, the embarrassment hits fully now. Still, the permission takes at least some of his discomfiture away.

Slow and tentative, Sasuke returns the kiss.

It’s clumsy and uncertain because he’s never done this before, but she makes a small, approving noise at the back of her throat and he guesses he’s doing something right.

Sakura tastes like smoke from the Katon and something sweet he doesn’t have a name for. He suspects he could spend the rest of his life trying to figure it out without success, but that idea doesn’t bother him at all.

She fits her mouth over his, softly pulling his bottom lip between hers, and Sasuke’s senses fade out. Something like relief passes over him, as if a weight has been pulled from his very soul. The last, tightly coiled vestiges of doubt and anxiety that have gathered in him for years are now gone, and the only thing in the world is her.

That in itself is mildly terrifying, but in a good way.

Achingly slowly, Sakura pulls away from him, reaching up to brush his hair away from his left eye. Her fingers stay in place, keeping the strands from falling back while her thumb traces a gentle arc from eyebrow to temple.

He leans into the touch and she grins at him.

“Well?” she prompts. “What do you think?”

“…hm?” It should concern Sasuke that his brain takes a second or two to catch up.

“Better than Naruto, right?” she wants to know.

The post-kiss haze vanishes.  

Sasuke sputters out a wordless response because that’s not how these things are supposed to go. His people skills might be rusty, but he’s pretty sure it’s far from normal to remind the man who just confessed his feelings about his (very unwilling) first (and second) kiss with their mutual best friend.

Sakura is laughing – at him or at the situation, he doesn’t know. He should be annoyed about this – and if she ever tells anyone about this he will be – but the tears in her eyes are from mirth, not pain or sadness and, for once, he doesn’t regret putting them there.

“Yes, by the way,” she tells him happily, leaning into his chest. “Yes to all of it.”

_____________________________________________________________________

終わり

I hope you enjoyed the story! As part of the SasuSakuFestival, please go vote, like and/or reblog, it would be majorly appreciated!

クリ

[fathersonholygore]

Followers. 2018. Directed by Ryan Justice. Starring Amanda Delaney, Justin Maina, Sean Michael Gloria, Nishant Gogna, David E. McMahon, Emily Steward, Esmeralda Chapa, & Bianca Taylor. Justified Films Not Rated. 82 minutes. Horror

★★1/2 out of ★★★★★

Disclaimer: The following contains significant spoilers about the film, in connection with the themes discussed.

Followers wasn’t my cup of tea. That doesn’t mean there isn’t anything worthwhile. Sometimes, even the movies that don’t land every punch they try throwing can still capture attention. Personally I dig found footage, and so I’m always willing to give these sort of flicks a chance. Granted I’ve seen plenty of bombs, there are a lot of titles in the found footage sub-genre I’d consider worthy pieces of work; particularly in terms of horror. Found footage is also a prime sub-genre for examining postmodern issues in society. That’s not to say Followers capitalises on its premise or any of the plot and character which comes out of it. There’s potential wasted. There are also things to be said, and maybe learned; you decide. The story concerns Brooke (Amanda Delaney), a YouTube yoga and lifestyle guru, and her boyfriend Caleb (Justin Maina) – a couple whose lives are lived in the public eye constantly; maybe not 24/7, but damn close to it. They head out for a camping trip that’s relatively cut off from the internet, though cameras and phones with cameras are along for the trip. Also along, unknown to the couple, are Jake (Sean Michael Gloria) and Nick (Nishant Gogna), who’ve been making a documentary about how easy it is to track people who live their lives online, and to show how potentially easy it’d be for someone to do something awful to them.

The whole movie takes on postmodern ‘internet famous,’ or Instafamous culture, if you prefer. As opposed to full-fledged celebrities and those who’ve reached whatever you’d call true fame – specifically in an era after Björk’s stalker Ricardo López and Hinckley nearly killing Ronald Reagan in a twisted attempt to impress Jodie Foster – Instafamous people are without security in the world. They go about posting their near every move, including locations, and untold amounts of random people follow them; many of whom are even relatively anonymous themselves. This is an even newer danger than some of the cyberstalking cases that have already emerged in the early days of the internet, simply for the fact the info doesn’t need to be acquired by a predator through risky means: it’s all put out there willingly by those seeking fame, recognition, and purpose in a postmodern society that’s celebrity + internet obsessed. Even the camping trip Brooke and Caleb go on isn’t wholly natural anymore, as is the case with so many people out there, not just those getting money for what they post. The average Instagram user posts 80% of their life online. Instagram culture makes camping just another off-shoot of suburban living, rather than anything like it was once upon a time. Cameras, cellphones, champagne; a far cry from Jack London.

“You think because you watch some videos that we post online that you know who we are?”

In this day and age of social media, we’re forced to reevaluate our preconceived notions of public v. private, as well as what public itself means (i.e. the extent to which a public figure is indebted to their public, et cetera). Moreover, there’s a judgement aspect in there, as well; one implicating the audience. It’s all about perception, after all, and sometimes the audience/viewer does not perceive everything, which inevitably leads to some particularly judgemental judgement. There’s an almost-superiority in the viewer, who comes to see themselves as part of the lives of these people, and in feeling so they likewise believe they’re able to pass judgement. This is partly what plays into Jake and Nick, as the two documentary filmmakers hoping to make “cinematic history” by shooting what they believe is a groundbreaking documentary on contemporary social issues surrounding the thoughtless use of social media. Of course it’s ironic, after we see that one of the pair is out there for an entirely more sinister purpose. At least, so we think. This further allows a full circle-style justification for why people ought to be concerned about and careful with their online privacy. A cautionary tale of postmodern human horror, when the private crosses over into the public without enough consideration of the ramifications. We’re led to believe Jake intends on affecting change in a horrific, violent manner. Except everything is not as it seems. There’s an interesting technique used, where we see an event from the POV of Caleb and Brooke, then cut back earlier in the story from Jake and Nick’s POV. The big issue is, this technique, as well as the mystery/suspense surrounding Jake, are squandered when a final twist comes into the picture. Everything Followers builds up in its first 3/4 is fumbled in the final 1/4. There are a couple creepy scenes (Brooke seeing Caleb’s intent for proposal is a knife in the gut), and the intensity of the suspense building up until the last 25 minutes is top notch. Unfortunately none of that’s used effectively, which dashes the movie’s hopes of a genuine statement about postmodern fame seeking and internet culture.

“I’ve tried to be what you want me to be”

The entire runtime of Followers, I rooted for its themes to really break out and explode across the screen. They didn’t, and it’s really a shame, because Ryan Justice has a fantastic, compelling premise which needs exploration. And horror, being my favourite genre, is – and has always been – a perfect genre to tackle difficult issues. Sadly, the ending really breaks down. If it weren’t for the last twist, perhaps the Jake and Nick side of the plot would’ve been able to cut deep. There was just no need for that last addition; the movie wouldn’t have suffered a bit if that element were cut out, and instead Jake and Nick’s characters were played out more to the end it seemed they initially aimed towards. More than that, some bits about Brooke’s character never played out in any meaningful way, so they were just loose threads that were left dangling. Either way, despite Followers not hitting its mark, there are interesting things at play. Justice does excellent work in the first hour of his movie, and that’s undeniable to me. The acting works, as does the writing and the story itself. It’s only in the finish, those last 20 minutes or so, where the acting goes downhill alongside the string of plots tangling together. If you can look past the surface enough, there’s commentary within speaking to how deeply our society is falling into the rabbit hole of technology, and what that means for humanity, safety, and, yes, depravity.

The Dangers of Electronic Validation in FOLLOWERS Followers. 2018. Directed by Ryan Justice. Starring Amanda Delaney, Justin Maina, Sean Michael Gloria, Nishant Gogna, David E.

[fesahaawit]

10 Things I Didn’t Expect in Early Retirement

[Happy Friday! Please welcome today, a good blogging bud of mine, ESI from ESIMoney.com. He recently retired at 52 and gained a whole new appreciation for what life has to offer. And spoiler alert: it doesn’t involve money or a high-powered career! Both of which he retired from once he realized enough was enough (his “enough,” btw? $3 million :)) Take it away, ESI!]

********

When I retired last fall at 52, I thought I knew exactly what retirement would be like. Many of the expectations I had did come true, but there were several surprises as well.

Today I’ll share my revelations in hopes those of you considering early retirement might be better prepared for it.

#1. Mondays Became the Best Day of the Week

Monday was my archenemy for decades.

I worked as a marketing executive for 28 years, many of them in high-pressure jobs. The sinking feeling would start about 4 pm on Sunday — dreading the work week to come.

Then Monday would hit and it’d be the low point of my week. Each day got better than the previous one until we hit Friday. It was all great from there. Until Sunday at 4 pm again.

Now, Monday is my favorite day of the week. It signals the beginning of five days of peace and quiet. The gym is less busy, the stores are less busy, restaurants are less busy, everything is less busy — because people are at work. It’s quiet, and I like it.

#2. My Colleagues Can’t Accept I’m Retired

There’s a whole host of reactions you get when you retire early. Most of them are quite comical because people are literally stunned. This is especially the case when you’re a C-level executive (or higher), and you retire during your most lucrative decade of earning power.

I expected people to be a bit shocked, but I didn’t foresee them constantly pushing new jobs at me like I needed to work or my life was over. Colleagues after colleagues send me new job openings all the time now. I have more recruiters than ever even connecting on LinkedIn and forwarding me job listings (some are pretty good actually!).

Even people I just meet aren’t satisfied with my retirement.

I had coffee the other day with a friend of a friend because the original friend said we should meet. The new guy spent the whole time brainstorming how he could help me find a job. Ugh. I feel like an unmarried, 30-year-old woman whose Jewish mother keeps pushing bachelors her way so she’ll get married even though she doesn’t want to be married.

#3. I’m Busier than Ever

When you work 50+ hours a week for most of a career and have a family along with personal interests, you’re very busy. Life is hectic. That’s just the way it is.

I expected things would calm down dramatically when I retired, but I now seem to have more to do than ever.

The difference is that I went from doing things I HAD to do, though, to doing things I WANT to do. Which makes all the difference in the world.

Still, I’m swamped.

I’ve been ramping up my blog writing (which is quite fun and gives me a creative and intellectual outlet). I started working out at a faster pace. I developed a plan to climb Pikes Peak this summer. I got involved in more aspects of planning my daughter’s college career. I started helping my son find his life calling. I dramatically upped my video game playing time (from virtually nothing to an hour or so a day at the present time (Horizon Zero Dawn FTW!!!)). I joined a non-profit board that helps the homeless. And I’m planning several trips with various members of my family.

On and on it goes. Most of the things on my to-do list simply move to the next day’s undone.

I was one of those people who used to think “What will I do all day in retirement?” I then moved to “I’ll find things to do”, so I made the leap. Now, I’m wondering, “How will I get it all done?”

But I am doing what I want, which makes this a “fun busy”. So I don’t mind.

#4. I’m In The Best Physical Shape of My Life

I started working with a trainer about 18 months ago. Up until retirement, I had made tremendous progress. I added 20 pounds of muscle and dramatically improved my cardio conditioning (which has always been good.) As a result, I almost completely eliminated back issues that I had for over 20 years.

I thought I’d continue on the same pace during retirement, but the freedom of time and lack of stress has really taken my workouts up a notch.

In addition, since I’m at home more, I can control better what I eat — which has always been my weak spot as it’s so hard to eat well at the office (at least for me). They say being in good shape is 80% nutrition and 20% exercise. I so wish the percentages were reversed!

When I was younger, I could work out and eat pretty much whatever I wanted. No longer. As I gained that extra muscle, I didn’t lose much fat, so my weight went up (even while my waist size shrunk).

After retirement, I decided to get serious about eating well. I went high protein and low carb. Since the start of the year I have lost 16 pounds of mostly fat. In addition, I was given my third cardio test and my VO2 max was in the “excellent” range for my age. It was so good that it’s even in the “good” range for a 20-year-old.

Who would have thought my best physical years would be after 50?

#5. I’ve Gotten Very Comfortable Wearing Casual Clothes

I’m not going to say I have always been an uptight dresser. Let’s just say I was always dressed for the occasion. I like to look nice and professional whether at work, church, or even out shopping. I’m not wearing $1,000 suits by any means, but I like to be dressed “nicely” wherever I go.

Cue the workout pants. You know, the baggy, comfortable ones similar to what basketball players wear during warm-ups? They refresh my soul.

It took me about three days to go from button-down Bob to casual Clyde.

Do you know how comfortable workout pants are? Answer: VERY comfortable. These are for colder temperatures. Do you know how comfortable shorts are? Answer: VERY comfortable. These are for warmer temperatures.

Both are accompanied by a t-shirt and/or a Columbia thin pullover depending on the temperature.

These are now my clothing wear of choice. I haven’t donned even a pair of Dockers more than twice in eight months (I did wear a pair to a funeral, however). I’ve gotten to the point where even putting on jeans feels like I’m “dressing up”. And they just aren’t as comfortable as I like.

We even joke at my non-profit board meetings that I dress up for them by wearing my “nice” workout pants or shorts.

But what do I care? I don’t have anyone to impress.

Consider Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg, and the like. No dressing up there. They don’t (didn’t in Jobs’ case) care what they are wearing, they just want to be comfortable. And while I don’t have billions like they do, I am financially independent and can wear whatever I want.

Much different than my pre-retirement days…

#6. My Family Relationships Are Much Better

I assumed that retirement would give me more time with family, but I didn’t know how meaningful and far-reaching this time would be.

Here’s a sampling of the impact so far:

My wife and I take two 45-minute walks a day now (we live in Colorado, so even much of winter is walkable). It gives us lots of time to connect and talk. Great for our relationship.

I developed a reading plan for my son to help him discover what career he wants. We discuss each book and his notes on it. He’s also my Tuesday movie buddy (half-priced tickets!) since we like the same kind of shows.

My daughter and I go out regularly to eat (we both like Mexican), shop (she’s hooked on Bath and Body Works), or have coffee. We talk a lot about what she wants to do with her life, what to expect in college, etc. She’s totally prepared. We’ll be taking her senior trip to Seattle and Portland this summer and I’ll be dropping her off at college in the fall.

I have been able to see my parents a few times since retirement — way more than the twice-annual visits we had before. In addition, my dad will be coming to see us in June.

I was able to re-connect with my cousin on one trip to see my parents. I had the time (of course) that I never had before, so I asked if he was available. He was and we had a great breakfast. It was awesome!

I was able to attend my Aunt’s funeral, and even be at the hospital right before she passed. Having a job would have not afforded me the time (or at least as much time) for either of these.

In addition to helping connect with family, being retired has allowed me to connect with friends. I attended my college reunion last fall and got to see my three best friends from that time. I would have NEVER spent a week doing that had I been working. And I hadn’t planned on it even once I retired, but the new, more relaxed, me thought “what the heck!” and I went. So glad I did. I’ll be headed back to college homecoming this year too!

This is probably the most rewarding part of early retirement for me and completely unexpected. It’s been a great surprise.

#7. I’m Learning and Growing More than Ever

Retirement is the time to kick back, down-shift, and relax, right? The time to coast on all the work we’ve done up to this point, similar to the Falcons in the second half of the Super Bowl? (Oh wait, that didn’t work out so well)

Well, let’s just say that coasting is not for me. I’m pushing forward more than I ever have and am loving it! I am learning and growing in ways I completely didn’t expect.

Some examples:

I’m reading more than ever. The library and I are on a first-name basis. I’m there several times a week. I’m reading on personal growth, fitness, blogging, and a whole host of non-fiction topics. I also have time to read fiction and am catching up on John Grisham’s stuff, as well as a Batman graphic novel here and there.

I’m learning from YouTube. You can find videos on how to do anything these days. Now that I have time, I’m learning how to cook (especially grill), how to do simple repairs around the house (I’m not “handy” yet, but I’m getting there), how to travel hack (still a neophyte but learning), and on and on.

I’m heading up Pikes Peak. I told you I’m planning on walking up Pikes Peak this summer. So I’m learning about the physical challenges (and training accordingly), the equipment, weather, etc. It’s a blast to learn new things as well as have some big, physical challenge to look forward to.

I’m planning loads of travel. My wife used to handle most of the travel planning, but I’m now becoming the expert. This year we have trips planned to Seattle, Portland, back to Iowa (where I’m from), Dallas, and, the crowning touch, a month in St. Thomas early next year. There are various decisions to make, and of course I want to make the trips as great as possible, so I’m doing lots of reading about each place and searching for great deals.

I’m consuming podcasts. As I train for Pikes Peak, I’m walking a lot. Some of that is alone, and when I walk alone I listen to podcasts. I’m learning about a whole host of topics, plus getting lots of input on financial issues that keep me sharp. I really look forward to this time each day.

I’m playing chess. I now have time to do daily chess puzzles, play chess, read chess books, and even watch chess videos. I know some of you are close to falling asleep simply reading that last sentence, but chess thrills me. The strategy and complexity gets my juices flowing.

I’m interested in a lot of things, and now I have the time to learn about them too. I thought I would have some time for this, but the amount and diversity of learning has really surprised me.

#8. I Can’t Go Back To Work Anymore

When I retired I thought I’d only take a year or two off, but would then likely go back to work at some point — even if just part-time. After all, I was a high-power executive and work was what I did!

Now I can’t imagine ever going back.

If I did, I’d hate Mondays again. I’d have to dress in something other than comfortable clothes. I’d miss the time with family and friends. I’d have to cut back on fitness and learning. I’d have to live by a schedule. That all sounds like a colossal pain in the rear now.

I’ve since eased into my new normal, and I love it.

#9. The Stress is Gone

We all hear about stress and how it impacts our health, and so forth. But having lived with it for so long, it was normal to me. I didn’t realize just how much it was impacting me.

Sure, every once in a while I would realize my temples were tight and my jaw was clinched while laying in bed. I’d try to relax my facial muscles and could for a bit, but even trying to fall asleep, the tension would come back. It was the stress of work.

Once I retired, I could literally feel the stress melt away. It was that tangible. I was destressing after 28 years of constant pressure.

It took several months to go completely away (it was that bad!), but I eventually got to a low point of stress I never thought I would reach. I started sleeping better. My head wasn’t tight all the time. Life was more relaxing overall.

I was surprised at just how noticeable it was. Something that simply was there for most of my life, is now almost nonexistent.

#10. I’ve Turned Into a Morning Person

There are morning people, and there are night people. I have been a night person my whole life. My ideal world was to stay up until 3 am and get up around noon. Not bad, right?

But I had to go against that grain during my career. Most companies expect you to roll in well before noon, so I was up early every day and I hated it.

I didn’t think I’d sleep to noon every day once I retired, but I did think I’d sack in until at least 9 or 10am.

Nope. I’m now up and at ’em by 6 am most days. Sometimes I’ll got to 7 am if I had a really hard workout the previous day or stayed up late the night before. But that’s rare. I can’t remember the last time I slept until 8 am. And I’m certainly up more days before 6 am than after 7 am.

The big difference now, though, is that life is so much more exciting.

I’m getting up to do things that I want to do. It’s a blast — almost like the night before Christmas. I’m excited about the next day and simply can’t sleep longer.

Plus, the working out and lack of stress helps my sleep to be more restful, so I feel better with less sleep now than I did with more sleep while working. (But don’t worry that I’m robbing myself. I’m a regular 10 pm to 6 am sleeper, so I still get eight hours most nights)

My kids think I’m crazy (“why do you get up so early?” they ask) but that’s what happens when you are excited about life.

My wife has always been a morning person, but I’m now up an hour or so before her each day. It’s so quiet and peaceful at 6 am and the day is full of promise. It’s my favorite time of the day. 6 am on Monday is heaven.

As a bonus, I heard somewhere that getting up early can make you wealthy.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: This is the reason I started waking up at 5am every day! The peace is unparalleled! And as ESI mentioned, it’s far easier to do so when you get to do things for YOU than for others :) You can read about the other things I learned too when first starting this schedule here if you’re new to the site: What I Learned Working Like Benjamin Franklin For a Week]

So those are my ten surprises from early retirement!

I’m only nine months in so I’m sure I’ll find many more in the months and years to come, but hopefully I’ve given you a good glimpse into what retirement is like.

If you have any questions I’d be happy to answer them in the comments below.

Otherwise, I’ll see you at the gym on Monday morning at 7 am. :)

****** ESI is the founder of ESI Money, a blog about achieving financial independence through earning, saving, and investing (ESI). It’s written by an early 50’s retiree who achieved financial independence, shares what’s worked for him, and details how others can implement those successes in their lives. You can learn more about him, and get his free ebook, here: Three Steps to Financial Independence.

10 Things I Didn’t Expect in Early Retirement posted first on http://ift.tt/2lnwIdQ

[heliosfinance]

10 Things I Didn’t Expect in Early Retirement

[Happy Friday! Please welcome today, a good blogging bud of mine, ESI from ESIMoney.com. He recently retired at 52 and gained a whole new appreciation for what life has to offer. And spoiler alert: it doesn’t involve money or a high-powered career! Both of which he retired from once he realized enough was enough (his “enough,” btw? $3 million :)) Take it away, ESI!]

********

When I retired last fall at 52, I thought I knew exactly what retirement would be like. Many of the expectations I had did come true, but there were several surprises as well.

Today I’ll share my revelations in hopes those of you considering early retirement might be better prepared for it.

#1. Mondays Became the Best Day of the Week

Monday was my archenemy for decades.

I worked as a marketing executive for 28 years, many of them in high-pressure jobs. The sinking feeling would start about 4 pm on Sunday — dreading the work week to come.

Then Monday would hit and it’d be the low point of my week. Each day got better than the previous one until we hit Friday. It was all great from there. Until Sunday at 4 pm again.

Now, Monday is my favorite day of the week. It signals the beginning of five days of peace and quiet. The gym is less busy, the stores are less busy, restaurants are less busy, everything is less busy — because people are at work. It’s quiet, and I like it.

#2. My Colleagues Can’t Accept I’m Retired

There’s a whole host of reactions you get when you retire early. Most of them are quite comical because people are literally stunned. This is especially the case when you’re a C-level executive (or higher), and you retire during your most lucrative decade of earning power.

I expected people to be a bit shocked, but I didn’t foresee them constantly pushing new jobs at me like I needed to work or my life was over. Colleagues after colleagues send me new job openings all the time now. I have more recruiters than ever even connecting on LinkedIn and forwarding me job listings (some are pretty good actually!).

Even people I just meet aren’t satisfied with my retirement.

I had coffee the other day with a friend of a friend because the original friend said we should meet. The new guy spent the whole time brainstorming how he could help me find a job. Ugh. I feel like an unmarried, 30-year-old woman whose Jewish mother keeps pushing bachelors her way so she’ll get married even though she doesn’t want to be married.

#3. I’m Busier than Ever

When you work 50+ hours a week for most of a career and have a family along with personal interests, you’re very busy. Life is hectic. That’s just the way it is.

I expected things would calm down dramatically when I retired, but I now seem to have more to do than ever.

The difference is that I went from doing things I HAD to do, though, to doing things I WANT to do. Which makes all the difference in the world.

Still, I’m swamped.

I’ve been ramping up my blog writing (which is quite fun and gives me a creative and intellectual outlet). I started working out at a faster pace. I developed a plan to climb Pikes Peak this summer. I got involved in more aspects of planning my daughter’s college career. I started helping my son find his life calling. I dramatically upped my video game playing time (from virtually nothing to an hour or so a day at the present time (Horizon Zero Dawn FTW!!!)). I joined a non-profit board that helps the homeless. And I’m planning several trips with various members of my family.

On and on it goes. Most of the things on my to-do list simply move to the next day’s undone.

I was one of those people who used to think “What will I do all day in retirement?” I then moved to “I’ll find things to do”, so I made the leap. Now, I’m wondering, “How will I get it all done?”

But I am doing what I want, which makes this a “fun busy”. So I don’t mind.

#4. I’m In The Best Physical Shape of My Life

I started working with a trainer about 18 months ago. Up until retirement, I had made tremendous progress. I added 20 pounds of muscle and dramatically improved my cardio conditioning (which has always been good.) As a result, I almost completely eliminated back issues that I had for over 20 years.

I thought I’d continue on the same pace during retirement, but the freedom of time and lack of stress has really taken my workouts up a notch.

In addition, since I’m at home more, I can control better what I eat — which has always been my weak spot as it’s so hard to eat well at the office (at least for me). They say being in good shape is 80% nutrition and 20% exercise. I so wish the percentages were reversed!

When I was younger, I could work out and eat pretty much whatever I wanted. No longer. As I gained that extra muscle, I didn’t lose much fat, so my weight went up (even while my waist size shrunk).

After retirement, I decided to get serious about eating well. I went high protein and low carb. Since the start of the year I have lost 16 pounds of mostly fat. In addition, I was given my third cardio test and my VO2 max was in the “excellent” range for my age. It was so good that it’s even in the “good” range for a 20-year-old.

Who would have thought my best physical years would be after 50?

#5. I’ve Gotten Very Comfortable Wearing Casual Clothes

I’m not going to say I have always been an uptight dresser. Let’s just say I was always dressed for the occasion. I like to look nice and professional whether at work, church, or even out shopping. I’m not wearing $1,000 suits by any means, but I like to be dressed “nicely” wherever I go.

Cue the workout pants. You know, the baggy, comfortable ones similar to what basketball players wear during warm-ups? They refresh my soul.

It took me about three days to go from button-down Bob to casual Clyde.

Do you know how comfortable workout pants are? Answer: VERY comfortable. These are for colder temperatures. Do you know how comfortable shorts are? Answer: VERY comfortable. These are for warmer temperatures.

Both are accompanied by a t-shirt and/or a Columbia thin pullover depending on the temperature.

These are now my clothing wear of choice. I haven’t donned even a pair of Dockers more than twice in eight months (I did wear a pair to a funeral, however). I’ve gotten to the point where even putting on jeans feels like I’m “dressing up”. And they just aren’t as comfortable as I like.

We even joke at my non-profit board meetings that I dress up for them by wearing my “nice” workout pants or shorts.

But what do I care? I don’t have anyone to impress.

Consider Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg, and the like. No dressing up there. They don’t (didn’t in Jobs’ case) care what they are wearing, they just want to be comfortable. And while I don’t have billions like they do, I am financially independent and can wear whatever I want.

Much different than my pre-retirement days…

#6. My Family Relationships Are Much Better

I assumed that retirement would give me more time with family, but I didn’t know how meaningful and far-reaching this time would be.

Here’s a sampling of the impact so far:

My wife and I take two 45-minute walks a day now (we live in Colorado, so even much of winter is walkable). It gives us lots of time to connect and talk. Great for our relationship.

I developed a reading plan for my son to help him discover what career he wants. We discuss each book and his notes on it. He’s also my Tuesday movie buddy (half-priced tickets!) since we like the same kind of shows.

My daughter and I go out regularly to eat (we both like Mexican), shop (she’s hooked on Bath and Body Works), or have coffee. We talk a lot about what she wants to do with her life, what to expect in college, etc. She’s totally prepared. We’ll be taking her senior trip to Seattle and Portland this summer and I’ll be dropping her off at college in the fall.

I have been able to see my parents a few times since retirement — way more than the twice-annual visits we had before. In addition, my dad will be coming to see us in June.

I was able to re-connect with my cousin on one trip to see my parents. I had the time (of course) that I never had before, so I asked if he was available. He was and we had a great breakfast. It was awesome!

I was able to attend my Aunt’s funeral, and even be at the hospital right before she passed. Having a job would have not afforded me the time (or at least as much time) for either of these.

In addition to helping connect with family, being retired has allowed me to connect with friends. I attended my college reunion last fall and got to see my three best friends from that time. I would have NEVER spent a week doing that had I been working. And I hadn’t planned on it even once I retired, but the new, more relaxed, me thought “what the heck!” and I went. So glad I did. I’ll be headed back to college homecoming this year too!

This is probably the most rewarding part of early retirement for me and completely unexpected. It’s been a great surprise.

#7. I’m Learning and Growing More than Ever

Retirement is the time to kick back, down-shift, and relax, right? The time to coast on all the work we’ve done up to this point, similar to the Falcons in the second half of the Super Bowl? (Oh wait, that didn’t work out so well)

Well, let’s just say that coasting is not for me. I’m pushing forward more than I ever have and am loving it! I am learning and growing in ways I completely didn’t expect.

Some examples:

I’m reading more than ever. The library and I are on a first-name basis. I’m there several times a week. I’m reading on personal growth, fitness, blogging, and a whole host of non-fiction topics. I also have time to read fiction and am catching up on John Grisham’s stuff, as well as a Batman graphic novel here and there.

I’m learning from YouTube. You can find videos on how to do anything these days. Now that I have time, I’m learning how to cook (especially grill), how to do simple repairs around the house (I’m not “handy” yet, but I’m getting there), how to travel hack (still a neophyte but learning), and on and on.

I’m heading up Pikes Peak. I told you I’m planning on walking up Pikes Peak this summer. So I’m learning about the physical challenges (and training accordingly), the equipment, weather, etc. It’s a blast to learn new things as well as have some big, physical challenge to look forward to.

I’m planning loads of travel. My wife used to handle most of the travel planning, but I’m now becoming the expert. This year we have trips planned to Seattle, Portland, back to Iowa (where I’m from), Dallas, and, the crowning touch, a month in St. Thomas early next year. There are various decisions to make, and of course I want to make the trips as great as possible, so I’m doing lots of reading about each place and searching for great deals.

I’m consuming podcasts. As I train for Pikes Peak, I’m walking a lot. Some of that is alone, and when I walk alone I listen to podcasts. I’m learning about a whole host of topics, plus getting lots of input on financial issues that keep me sharp. I really look forward to this time each day.

I’m playing chess. I now have time to do daily chess puzzles, play chess, read chess books, and even watch chess videos. I know some of you are close to falling asleep simply reading that last sentence, but chess thrills me. The strategy and complexity gets my juices flowing.

I’m interested in a lot of things, and now I have the time to learn about them too. I thought I would have some time for this, but the amount and diversity of learning has really surprised me.

#8. I Can’t Go Back To Work Anymore

When I retired I thought I’d only take a year or two off, but would then likely go back to work at some point — even if just part-time. After all, I was a high-power executive and work was what I did!

Now I can’t imagine ever going back.

If I did, I’d hate Mondays again. I’d have to dress in something other than comfortable clothes. I’d miss the time with family and friends. I’d have to cut back on fitness and learning. I’d have to live by a schedule. That all sounds like a colossal pain in the rear now.

I’ve since eased into my new normal, and I love it.

#9. The Stress is Gone

We all hear about stress and how it impacts our health, and so forth. But having lived with it for so long, it was normal to me. I didn’t realize just how much it was impacting me.

Sure, every once in a while I would realize my temples were tight and my jaw was clinched while laying in bed. I’d try to relax my facial muscles and could for a bit, but even trying to fall asleep, the tension would come back. It was the stress of work.

Once I retired, I could literally feel the stress melt away. It was that tangible. I was destressing after 28 years of constant pressure.

It took several months to go completely away (it was that bad!), but I eventually got to a low point of stress I never thought I would reach. I started sleeping better. My head wasn’t tight all the time. Life was more relaxing overall.

I was surprised at just how noticeable it was. Something that simply was there for most of my life, is now almost nonexistent.

#10. I’ve Turned Into a Morning Person

There are morning people, and there are night people. I have been a night person my whole life. My ideal world was to stay up until 3 am and get up around noon. Not bad, right?

But I had to go against that grain during my career. Most companies expect you to roll in well before noon, so I was up early every day and I hated it.

I didn’t think I’d sleep to noon every day once I retired, but I did think I’d sack in until at least 9 or 10am.

Nope. I’m now up and at ’em by 6 am most days. Sometimes I’ll got to 7 am if I had a really hard workout the previous day or stayed up late the night before. But that’s rare. I can’t remember the last time I slept until 8 am. And I’m certainly up more days before 6 am than after 7 am.

The big difference now, though, is that life is so much more exciting.

I’m getting up to do things that I want to do. It’s a blast — almost like the night before Christmas. I’m excited about the next day and simply can’t sleep longer.

Plus, the working out and lack of stress helps my sleep to be more restful, so I feel better with less sleep now than I did with more sleep while working. (But don’t worry that I’m robbing myself. I’m a regular 10 pm to 6 am sleeper, so I still get eight hours most nights)

My kids think I’m crazy (“why do you get up so early?” they ask) but that’s what happens when you are excited about life.

My wife has always been a morning person, but I’m now up an hour or so before her each day. It’s so quiet and peaceful at 6 am and the day is full of promise. It’s my favorite time of the day. 6 am on Monday is heaven.

As a bonus, I heard somewhere that getting up early can make you wealthy.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: This is the reason I started waking up at 5am every day! The peace is unparalleled! And as ESI mentioned, it’s far easier to do so when you get to do things for YOU than for others :) You can read about the other things I learned too when first starting this schedule here if you’re new to the site: What I Learned Working Like Benjamin Franklin For a Week]

So those are my ten surprises from early retirement!

I’m only nine months in so I’m sure I’ll find many more in the months and years to come, but hopefully I’ve given you a good glimpse into what retirement is like.

If you have any questions I’d be happy to answer them in the comments below.

Otherwise, I’ll see you at the gym on Monday morning at 7 am. :)

****** ESI is the founder of ESI Money, a blog about achieving financial independence through earning, saving, and investing (ESI). It’s written by an early 50’s retiree who achieved financial independence, shares what’s worked for him, and details how others can implement those successes in their lives. You can learn more about him, and get his free ebook, here: Three Steps to Financial Independence.

10 Things I Didn’t Expect in Early Retirement published first on http://ift.tt/2ljLF4B